Those Amazing Dolphins!!!

Wow! Those adorable dolphins are back in the news! The seemingly harmless, gentle sea critters have set the scientific community on its ear once again, per a recent story ....Diet Soap obtained today from Internacional Press Associatos. According to Dr. Marcello Abogado, Chief Scientist at the West Indies Aquatic Science Centre, March 24, 2008 marked a milestone in a recent breakthrough in the interpretation of the mammal's infamous "echolocation clicks" and "burst-pulsed signature whistles" previously thought to be a form of self-identification among dolphins, the "Mayors of the Sea."

Dr. Abogado explained, "Today, we have successfully beta tested a complex computerized system for translating dolphin whistles into human language, a feat once thought of as impossible."

The news conference took an unexpected turn, however, when Dr. Abogado balked at the possibility of sharing these amazing new insights with the general public for surprising reasons. "After translating numerous streams of 'dolphin-speak', we have concluded that releasing of these transcripts to the populace-at-large could cause unforeseen problems." When pressed for an explanation, Dr. Abogado simply said, "Look, all we've recorded so far appears to be a crude mixture of racial epithets and curse words. One of the scientist's children accidentally heard the translation and, well, he's shown unusual changes in his behavior." Later, Dr. Abogado explained the boy, a 6 year old, has taken to smearing and ingested his own feces.

Other fun facts divulged by Dr. Abogado:

1. Aside from humans, dolphins are the only animal who manufactures highly addictive drugs. Known among scientists as "crubble", this substance is 10 times more potent than crack-cocaine and is derived from an precise mixture of plankton, ammonia, and baking powder!

2. Dolphins often sexually abuse sea animals much smaller than themselves, not for sexual gratification, but for their own personal amusement!

3. Dolphins are notorious smearers of feces!

4. Dolphins are responsible for 350 human deaths per year!

5. Dolphins store unused crubble in a nasal air sac and quickly snuff it through their blow hole, resulting in a near instant high that can last as long a 8 hours!

6. The only good dolphin is a dead dolphin!