Dear Fan(atic)s,
I do not feel loved. I have reduced my output to mere scraps in the face of my dwindling numbers, or "hits" as they say on the streets. New diatribes will now be issued on the 9th of each month and I will provide no additional commentary in the interim period of longing you will all surely feel.
Like Tony Blair's conversion to Catholicism, I have "awoken to a new dawn" and now "know my place in God's grand plan." Let's face reality - there are only 5 interesting things about me and my public is not interested anymore:
1) I have an iLimb for a hand.
2) I used to have a hook for a hand.
3) I am a trust fund baby.
4) My trust fund is funded by insurance money obtained following the death of my father in a warehouse fire that, incidentally, resulted in the amputation of my hand.
5) My mother is the kind of aging alcoholic who still owns leather pants.
I am obsessed with the following:
1) All things Mario Lopez.
2) Dolphins and their dangerous arrogance and sense of entitlement.
3) Celebrities and historical figures who have not lost any of their limbs.
4) Doormen.
5) A server at a local coffeehouse.
Perhaps if my intern hadn't quit, things would be different, but, alas and alack, you will have to wait another month...
Loving and beseeching,
Olive, The Voice of Reason
