In addition to the other weird shit that Mother has been doing since quitting the booze, recently she has begun awkwardly trying to strike up conversations with me. Here are actual segues and conversation-starters Mommy has used with me since her "procedure":
1. Bernard says ducks and the like descended from dinosaurs. Can you imagine, Olive (1)?
2. Tell me something. Dr. DiClemente (2) said you might have phantom pains periodically (3).
3. Fossil makes some snappy watches (4).
4. Have you ever seen really hardcore porn - you know, where the actors swear at each other and wear masks (5)?
5. I don't know about you, but I could murder a champagne truffle (6) about now. Where is that boy (7)?
Please, God, it was easier when she was drunk all the time.
________________
Footnotes:
1. Can I imagine you and Bernard having sex? Because that's all I can think about when you mention this creep's name.
2. Dr. DiClemente is the asshole who couldn't "save" my hand.
3. Was that a question.
4. Since when did Mother frequent Dendlo's Shopping Mall?
5. I...
6. Actually, a Teuscher's champagne truffle sounds pretty good.
7. Mother's pet name for all waitpersons, even when they are female and adult, as in this case.
2 comments:
Oh Olive, you'll do anything for a Champagne Truffle.
Olive, you are a hoot!
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