Olive's Garden

It's the time of the year when our fearless leader, Olive Duster, reveals her favourites from the fiscal year. Signed, Could-Be-You-Intern-Apps-Due-Nov.-1st.

Favourite age for a homeless man: 56 years old.

Favourite injury: Missing hand.

Favourite obscure health issue: Lactose indifference.

Favourite snack: Little Chocolate Davenports

Favourite greeting: "Hey, hooker." (courtesy of my brother).

Favourite hobby: Putting Mario Lopez's head on the body of a dolphin.

Favourite fantasy: A fleet of Mario Lopez's following my schooner as I cruise the ocean near San Onofre State Beach plotting my next rape of wild beauty with a super 6 lane highway.

Favourite bumper sticker: "My other car is a prosthetic hook."

Thanks for noticing!

I walked into a Starbucks this morning and the "barrista" said to me, I swear to Jehova, "Hey there, sweet face. Welcome to Sweet Saturday at Starbucks. What can I do you for?"

Sweet face?

Do you for?

I replied, "I'll take a small water and 10 copies of the Gloria Estefan compilation." Then I started picking my teeth with my hook.

Piss on it!

Building a six-lane toll road through San Onofre State Beach near San Clemente outside of Los Angeles may seem like a good idea, but it's as likely to happen as this woman is to get laid.

Contest!!!!

We've had such an overwhelming response to our recent "dreams are best left to" segment that ...Diet Soap is issuing yet another fun and tedious challenge! Tell us how you would complete Mother's infamous aphorism and you could win...... a ...Diet Soap butter knife AND a plastic novelty hook poorly autographed by the even more infamous Olive Duster! Enter today and "feel the shame!"

Correction

Mother was outraged that I misquoted her on the subject of dreams. Dreams are not best left to "prostitutes and politicians" but rather for "large children and small men."

I like my variation better.

Stump grinding

Apparently, I was so upset last night that Mother had to wake me up after I cried out in my sleep.

My stump was sore after I slept on it all night.

Maybe Mother was right. Maybe dreams are "best left to prostitutes and politicians."

I'm thinking of heading back to Whistler.

I'm thinking about quitting this blog.

You can call me Rog...

Uh, yeah, the whole thing was kinda fucked up...

Not sure I have it in me to go into all the gory details, but I'll throw you all a bone.

Rog: Have you even seen or heard anything that you know wasn't really there?

Me: Does my father burning in front of my eyes every night as I fall asleep count?

Rog: Yes. Yes it does [scribbles furiously on his yellow legal pad].

Oh, I'm definitely gonna have to go down Mexico way to get this fucking robotic hand attached.

Well, I have to go cry some more now.

Looking for Mr. Goodman

Seeing my shrink tomorrow. I am totally obsessing about what I should wear. Does it really matter? Of course it does. Dr. Dreamy is a psychologist. He'll probably notice every single detail, right down to my missing hand. I bet you he insists that I discuss "the accident" with him.

Question for my readers: Should I or shouldn't I tell him. I've only discussed it with the police detective at the time and I don't even really remember that interview.

Question #2 for my readers: Why does it matter how I lost my hand? I just want a new prosthetic; is this whole consultation even relevant? Is this a mental capacity issue? Does Dr. Ass-Ram think I'm incompetent?

Question #3 for my readers: What the fuck?

Question #4 for my readers: I'm thinking of wearing an old bridesmaid dress that's sea foam green with a big bow in back along with my Israeli combat boots. Too much?

Peas and Carrots.

Real fucking funny

How much for a hand? I've got one in a bell jar I'm not using anymore.

What could possibly go wrong?

Oh, sure, dolphins are perfectly harmless. I don't know what I was thinking. You'll have to forgive me for my temporary insanity.

My good friend and famous dancer, Gail Horning, recently told me that she thinks maybe I see danger where there is none on account of the horrible "accident" that claimed my hand and my father's life (even though only charred remains and a large insurance settlement were all we were left with in the aftermath).

Gail, the dolphins are real and they're smarter than you think.

Parallel Universe

Readers of ...Diet Soap have been following Zsa Zsa Gabor's legal troubles with the tenacity of an army of meat ants in the presence of a Leaf Hopper. It is with great sadness, then, that I have the duty to inform my readers that Zsa Zsa and her 9th husband, Frederic "Freddy V." Von Anhalt, voluntarily dismissed their lawsuit against Zsa Zsa's daughter, Francesca Hilton, late last week. Readers of ...Diet Soap first became intrigued by the case when they noticed eerie similarities between the rocky financial relationship of Gabor and Hilton and the rocky house cleaning relationship between Mother and myself. Mother, too, dropped her informal complaints against yours truly when she came to the realization that I have a hook for one of my hands and I simply can't lift the 200-fucking-pound ancient Hoover UP THE FUCKING STAIRS BY MYSELF!

Ask Olive!

I get thousands and thousands of letters and e-mails from admirers and well-wishers every week and occasionally I take some time to respond to a select few.

On this day (give or take a week) in history...

Seriously, where the hell is Elian? I haven't heard dick about this kid in like 6 years. About 3 years ago, I heard he was mixing some demos with Timberland and now nothing!

Fun Facts!

Most of us know that Mario Lopez stole the hearts of millions of pre-teens around the world when he burst on the scenes as "Slater" in television's Saved by the Bell in 1989. But did you also know that the dreamy thespian has never incurred a serious hand injury? Photos don't lie.

A real intellexual!

Last night, I called the psychologist's office to set up my evaluation expecting to speak to a secretary or assistant. So I was surprised when I got the good doctor, himself, on the line. Dr. Roger Goodman, with a smoky, sultry voice assured me I could call him, "Rog." "When can we get you in here?" "Uh, right now please?" "Ha! I like eager customers," he said. "Ah, well. I did have a cancellation for next Wednesday at 9 am. How does that sound?" "That will give me plenty of time to get my legs waxed. I'll take it." "Okay, sounds good. Do you need directions?" "No, I've been getting my legs waxed at the same place since I was 20." "I'll look forward to our meeting." Me too, Rog. Me too! Do you think psychologists can date their patients? Do they have any ethical constraints on the matter? Do you think I'll have to lie on a couch? Will I have to look at ink blots or do free association?

"Mother."
"Leather pants."

"Father."
"Warehouse fire."

"Love."
"Carrom."

"Hate."
"Dolphins."

"Family."
"Prosthesis."

"Friends."
"Cunty and Dum Dum."

"Fear."
"Dolphins."

"Hope."
"No ethical constraints."

"iLimb."
"Senator and Mrs. Mario Lopez."

Paging Dr. Ass-Ram

So get this. I didn't even want to see Dr. Ashram. I only went because a) Mother dropped $60K on this iLimb, b) the iLimb appears to be kick-ass, and 3) I thought he might know something about my father's demise. Well, before he'll go any further with my consultation, he is making me see a fucking psychologist. "It's a normal step in the process," according to my quack. Please, God, let me hear the psychologist say, "Tell me about your mother." I bet you I can make him cry.

Man, I'm hungry...

Being with Mother in the City has it's advantages, but I can't find my favourite snack anywhere! I am totally craving Assail's Eye Power Sugarless Blueberry Tablets. Yum! God, I could kill for some of this shit right now! There's nothing more satisfying after a night of binge drinking than artificial blueberry flavour in tablet form. Trust me on this one.

Close your eyes, Billy.

Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain speaking. We are approaching 35,000 feet in the air and we're midway through our journey today. If you look to your left, you should be able to see the city of Whistler just on the horizon. If you look to your right - HELLO! Well, hi there. I'm the Captain. What's your name? Kyla, hmmm, that's a nice name. No, I'm not staring at your breasts. That's crazy! I was just, uh, thinking that you should, uh, wear a name tag so people can - what? No, it's on autopilot. Oh, okay. Talk to you later? Hey, maybe you could, if you wanted, put this blanket on so - it's just kinda distracting and... Whatever, it's cool. We're cool, right? I HEARD YOU! I SAID I'LL BE THERE IN A SECOND! Jesus, do you believe that? Anyway, I gotta get back to work, but, hey, if you write your number on this napkin, maybe we can... No, that's just turbulence. Alright, but I'll keep my eyes open for you after the flight, 'kay? Kewl.

Tips for the disabled

Shown above, last year's intern poses for ...Diet Soap's public service brochure demonstrating one-handed dressing techniques. She did a really shitty job.

The Heat Is On!

Lot's of intern applicants submit their essays over the internet. One special applicant showed up at our offices along with this special treat - Patrick (of SpongeBob fame) shaped cupcakes. The rest of you have your work cut out for you. Of course, I have to assume they are poisonous as I have many enemies (e.g., dolphins). So after the applicant left, I gave them to the creepy doorman of Mother's building (with whom I made out a while ago and I have since been avoiding like the plague that is likely living in his "beard"). Well done, Sophie. You truly have a leg up on the competition. Can't wait to read your essay, "Off Da Hook: Why I Need This Unpaid Internship with a Saucy Amputee."

You know, as I read this, who better to apply for this unpaid position than Homeless Businessman. I will contact him immediately.

Intern Search!

It's that time of year again. Time for ...Diet Soap to file a restraining order against last year's intern and time to start searching for this year's lucky applicant. We will be accepting applications starting Sept. 12 until Nov. 1, 2007. This year's lucky intern will experience the behind-the-scenes action of a real live blog. Learn how to make sarcastic comments, search and post funny photos, and get to work side-by-side with a real live amputee! Our interns will be groomed by one of the best and brightest in the field of blogging and will learn the ins and outs of getting coffee, cleaning hooks, distracting Mother while the publisher sneaks in, and pre-reading the paper and clipping out any offensive references to dolphins before said references sully the eyes and mind of the publisher. Plus, you will get to rub shoulders with many ...Diet Soap celebs when you screen phone calls from...CUNTY....DUM DUM....DR. ASHRAM....and the creepy guy known only as....MY MOM'S DOORMAN, and many, many more! If interested in this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, submit your essay on why you want to work for us! If you are missing any body parts or if any body parts have become detached from your person, please submit all the gory details and pics to the comment section of this post. And don't fuck up your only chance to impress me like this guy did.

Mystery

So I came home this morning and found this package on my doorstep addressed to my father - no return address or anything. Regular readers know that Daddy died in a work-related accident. So, I decided to open it. And look at this thing. What the hell? I hid it from Mother.

Oh, I forgot to mention that my appointment with Dr. Ashram got postponed by a week... Maybe I should try this bad boy on.

What's the crime?

Citizens of Columbus, Ohio are puzzled. Since when was robbing a church and then assaulting one's attorney a crime?

I thought I hated babies...

I had a dream last night that I gave birth. When the doctor handed him to me, he spoke with the voice of Henry Kissinger. He said, "You will fail as a mother." I think he made some derogatory comments about my one good hand too. I thought I hated babies.

So what does this phantom baby want with me?

Do these pants make me look guilty?

I've been feeling really guilty about the following five things. I need your help to determine if I should feel bad about these things or if I am beating myself up over nothing.

1. My new friend keeps referring to my two oldest friends as "Cunty" and "Dum-Dum" on her blog. I have neither confronted my new friend about this nor told my old friends about this (because I kinda think it's funny).

2. I made out with the doorman of my Mommy's building last night after drinking with Cunty and Dum-Dum.

3. I borrowed Mother's leather pants to go out last night (she has never worn them but, for some reason, she won't let me borrow them). I spilled pickled egg juice on them but simply returned them to her closet without telling her (I'm telling you, she kinda smells like pickled eggs anyway and so she'll probably never notice).

4. I told the doorman I lost my hand in a dolphin training mishap (a lie).

5. Oliver's bitchy girlfriend called last night looking for him and I said he was with "Carol" at "the party" and, "Oh, he said you knew her and he was meeting you at the party." And, "He told me you guys broke up." And, "God, what an asshole! How could he do this to you?" And, "You should just show up at the party and get it over with." And I gave her a fakey address.

On this day in history...

Hey, whatever happened to Elian?

Culture Report

In Taiwan, seafood is very popular.

Hand-tastic!

On the eve of my appointment with Dr. Ashram, I find out that the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency "has launched a $55-million project that pools the efforts of prosthetics experts nationwide to create a thought-controlled bionic arm that duplicates the functions of a natural limb," according to CNN. So, did Mom waste 60k on the iLimb? "Ashram" does rhyme with "a scam."

Fun Facts!

Everyone knows that Sir Isaac Newton was a closeted alchemist, but did you also know that he lived his entire life without losing either of his hands?

Mothers, am I right?

I woke up this morning fully intent on confronting Mother about the circumstances surrounding Father's death. I headed downstairs with resolve only to find that mother had left the house - not without leaving me a surprise. I found this on the kitchen counter - the iLimb clutching an appointment card for a consultation with Dr. Viktor Ashram. I'll listen to what he has to say, but I'm keeping my hook.

Maybe I'll learn about more than just the modern marvel by Touch Bionics. After all, Dr. Ashram was Daddy's orthopedic surgeon too.

Amazing Science! The Later Years

A humble Miss Teen 3000 explains her unusual views on geography and life after Mario Lopez while visiting the Today Show.

Home Cookin'

Moms on the go choose Linderman's Fava Beans. Your kids will say, "They're my fava-fava-favorite!"

Culture Report

In the U.S., the term "champion" is reserved for only the most impressive feats of endurance, strength, courage and imagination.

Those Amazing Dolphins!

Am I the only one here who is sick and tired of these god damn dolphins!!?

Pot Calling For the Kettle's Resignation

Just hours after the embattled Senator Craig held his tearful press conference to announce his resignation on the heels of charges that he solicited a sexual encounter with an undercover officer, the undercover officer, himself, is now at the center of his own legal maelstrom. In addition to the nature of the arrest, the officer gained notoriety for glibly chastising the Senator during his interrogation, saying, "I'm just disappointed in you, sir. I mean, people vote for you." Surprisingly, at the center of this controversy is a seemingly off-handed and innocuous comment made by the officer during an internal hearing on the matter.

In an internal memo obtained exclusively by ...Diet Soap, the officer is quoted as saying, "Nothing like this has ever happened to me before." But in a stunning turn of events, the Department's spokesperson, Harold Darling, issued the following statement shortly after Sentator Craig's own press conference: "After a lengthy investigation by the the Internal Review Committee, we now suspect the arresting officer of committing perjury while under oath. After a thorough review of internal files, we now have good reason to believe that Senator Craig may, in fact, be the fourth or possibly fifth Senator with whom the officer has been disappointed."

While the officer's camp is being tight-lipped, sources close to the investigation suspect the officer of being disappointed in Republican Senator Thad Cochran of Mississippi for his unmitigated and inexplicable support of pharmacists.

I'm Not Embarrassed

I was digging through some boxes in my closet at my parents' house. Found this notebook from 7th grade English class. Page after page of notes with the same message written over and over, crammed in the margins: Senator and Mrs. Mario Lopez, Senator and Mrs. Mario Lopez, Senator and Mrs. Mario Lopez.