Open your eyes, people.

Most people don't realize just how big of a problem this is. Look what my publicist just sent me.

And then after your family maims you, look what society does next, after you pull yourself up from despair, single-handedly, literally.

In too Depp

It just so happens that I lost my hand right around the time that Edward Scissorhands came out. Needless to say, I became obsessed. This poster still hangs over my childhood bed. I've decided to stay with Mother for the next few weeks. I can run Standing in Line to Diet Soap from anywhere.

...Holy Sh@#!!!

Talk about freaky. I was about to leave for a tour around town when I realized I forgot my change purse for the parking meter (there is only one parking meter in this town). When I turned to go back to my room, this is what I saw. Maybe I was too quick to judge the iLimb. Maybe Mommy was right. Maybe it is "fucking awesome."

That's Far Enough!

British candy company released its newest taste sensation today - the Gold Bar. The slogan: "Candy so good, my security team will blow your fucking head off if you come any closer." Comes with or without Craisins.

Amazing Science!

Mario Lopez demonstrates the Miss Teen 3000 in front of a group of frightened 3rd grade U.S. Americans. The demonstration was broadcast to soldiers in The Iraq.

Oh, Oliver called. He's not missing. He decided to go for a "walkabout" along U.S. 30.

I love you.

As iLimb and Breathe

Woke up this morning to find this under my pillow - the new iLimb from Touch Bionics. Yes, Mother, I know about the prosthetic hand with five separately-powered fingers. I know the iLIMB could allow my fingers to open and close using the electric signals generated by the remaining portion of my arm. I also know that it took me forever how to use this damn hook!

Off to the States to track down my brother.

Stephen Colbert, who do you think you're fooling?

After greeting Mother and exchanging pleasantries (i.e., details about my brother's disappearance), we said goodnight and I went into the study to relax in front of the television. And what did I see but a pathetic, failed attempt by television's Stephen Colbert to lure me out of hiding and onto his show. Broken wrist, Stephen? More like a thinly veiled reference to my deformity. Did you think I would take the bait? Think again.

Oh, and one thing his viewers might want to consider as they hail Stephen as the new voice of America. Colbert is typically pronounced kohl-BERT. How does he pronounce it? Yes, kohl-BEAR. Time to put yourself on the threatdown, Stephen? Unless you're not a covert part of the pro-bear agenda that is bringing this nation to it's knees. We knew the bears would make their way into popular media; we just thought it would be on FOX.

Rough Night

The helicopter ride was relatively uneventful; the view of the sea was beautiful despite the flicker of reflected moonlight. The pilot and I entertained ourselves with what turned out to be a particularly vicious game of travel chess. He started with the classic Saget opening gambit which I quickly countered by using the Eyes-A-Poppin' defense. His queen danced along the board like a young Gail Horning, but he was quickly overcome by my inspired Faded Russian attack. I would have won too if several of the pieces hadn't been attracted to my prosthetic hand. Viktor immediately declared the game a "mistrial."

Idle Hooks

No one takes your hitchhiking efforts seriously when your free hand is a hook.

Going Home

I just got a phone call from my mother. My brother, Oliver, has gone missing. The last I heard from Oliver, he was planning on a trip to the Quiet City for a few days of R&R. I guess I'll be taking the ferry home tonight and head straight for the heliport.

Also, ...Diet Soap just got invited to guest judge a pudding contest at the Polk Amphitheater! I know one thing that won't be missing - flavor!

Erectrex Testimonials

...Diet Soap recently received a large shipment of NASCAR-related penis pills and we took to the street to find out what the man-on-the-street had to say about it. Here's just a sample of what real youths are saying about Erectrex, the new male enhancement supplement from VitaGo!!! "I can tell it works! If I put my head closer to my dong than usual, it looks BIGGER!!!" Oliver Duster, Publisher "It works. The harder I rub this Erectrex shit on my dick, the bigger it gets - bigger and BLUER!!! Thanks, Erectrex!!!" Isaac S. Adams, Youth "Being incredibly insecure has never been easier!!!" Buster I. Gaines, Gangly Youth I've studied the biomechanics of Erectrex and all it appears to do is encourage unnatural water retention, not just in the penis, but in the surrounding tissues. Which my wife likes - she likes it A LOT!!! Thanks, Erectrex!!!" David I. Kendrick, Director of Harvard Pharmaceutical Reseach and Bioinformatics Department "I can't wait for Oliver to come over so he can give me his opinion. Maybe he can order the 30 day free trial for me. Is it bigger? I don't know. But my goo tastes like blueberries - which is most definitely NOT different." Harvey E. Draven, David I. Kendrick's Interweb Alias [Read the first letter of each name for an additional surprise!]

New Name, Same Great Taste!

Wow! Within minutes of launching, Diet Soap was besieged with e-mails from various attorneys and government officials demanding that the name be changed. Apparently, Diet Soap was already snagged (see www.dietsoap.org). So, in order to avoid sundry legal fees and late charges, the powers-that-be have coerced me into a new name that, upon reflection, is a great compromise. Drum roll please............. (those dots signify a drum roll). The new name of my blog is Standing in Line to Diet Soap. Congratulations to Diane Scheggler for her correct guess. Actually, we had three correct entries and Diane's was picked out of the tie-break barrel. Diane wins a ...Diet Soap butter knife and plastic novelty hook for her hand poorly autographed by yours truly.

Peas and Carrots.

Diet Soap Launches!

Today is the day that literally several of you have been waiting for - the launch of Diet Soap. What is Diet Soap and where can I get my hand and artificial hand on it? What a strange question for me to be asking since I am the creator and financier behind this endeavor. Well, I'll answer myself with the hope that this answer will provide an answer for other manually-impaired readers.

Diet Soap is a blog formally titled Standing in Line to Die that taught us to laugh in the face of death. Standing was never actually written down anywhere and existed only in my mind; it was discontinued before it began as I realized that I actually am quite afraid of death and I couldn't live the lie any longer.

The new blog, the one you are reading now, is typed with the use of my one good hand. What can you look forward to reading about in Diet Soap? In this blog you will find a mish-mash mix-em-up array of topics from indie rock to one-handed driving tips. Which hand, you ask? You'll have to keep reading to find out.

I love you.