After this morning, I told Mother to think of my room as a smaller version of Kananskis, Alberta. As many of you know, Kananaskis is an "improvement district" whose number one priority is watershed protection. Maybe future tragedies like the one below could be averted.______________
After Mother careened into her bedroom following a night on the town with Drunk Bernard, I noticed my iPhone peeking out of her Prada handbag. The next morning she stumbled into the kitchen wearing my Pixies t-shirt and Freudian slippers (don't ask).
"So how was [Radu] Lupu?"
"Oh, Olive," she swooned. "He was... I know everyone was there to hear the Beethoven, but halfway through Symphonic Dances, I thought I was going to burst!"
[That's what happens when DB makes you drink too many Mud Slides during intermission.]
"Oh, you'll never guess who was there with his bottle-blond wife of his!"
[Um... That could describe most of your horrible friends.]
"That lovely Asian doctor - Ashram. He said you missed your last appointment."
"Oh?"
"I mentioned you had been so busy with medical school. Honestly, Olive, the poor man looked like he had swallowed a ladybug!"
[I bet you looked like you had swallowed a litre of Kahlua.]
"Oh, I took your iThingy for the show. I think it's broken, dear. Bernard couldn't switch it off for the performance so I had to leave it with the coat check gal. Poor thing said it cut her off in the middle of a call!"
STAY OUT OF MY ROOM!
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