I Kant take it!!!

Sometimes I feel like Immanuel Kant after his Critique of Pure Reason flopped miserably when it was first published in 1787. "It's too frickin' long," cited one contemporary critic, Johann Gottfried Herder. "I just can't get through all of this gossamer," using the slang word for "800 pages of terse philosophical rhetoric." It wasn't until Karl Reinhold started writing about how great Kant was in a series of responses to the Pantheism Dispute that dominated the Enlightenment era that Kant was given his fair dues.

What I'm saying is that maybe I need one of you to share my philosophies with the general public so I can start making some money off of this shit. These "I Love Duster" t-shirts are not moving like I anticipated.

The world is abuzz...

about the...

SEED VAULT!!!!!!!!

It's about time! All these years, I have lost sleep over the inadequate security at the other 1,400 seed vaults around the world. Thank God. Thank you sweet Lord above for this heaven on earth. Finally, a sperm bank we can be proud of!

Write like me!

...Diet Soap is now accepting applications for a one-time only writing seminar lead by the incomparable Olive Duster herself. Spots are limited so apply now (applicants must be over 18 years old and own a minimum of three (3) leather garments (jackets do not count).)

Here is just a brief glimpse at what you might learn at the ...Diet Soap Writer's Paradise is Blind Workshop:

1) How to write like Olive. Learn all of Olive's various blogging formats, such as this classic:

Fact, fact, fact, fact, could be a fact, hard to tell, probably not a fact, but I'm still not sure, oh, I see, definitely not a fact, outright lie, sarcastic quip, self or other deprecating comment, usually about fake hand, drunk mother, or shitty friends.

2) How to write a diary entry using the Mad OLibs method, for example:

Dear Diary, Can you believe (name of family member or shitty friend or stranger) actually (verb-past tense) that poor (name of animal, piece of furniture, beverage) in the elevator. What an (asshole). I hope that (he, she, it) dies (soon, a slow painful death, in a horrible warehouse fire). Yours humbly, (Your name, pseudonym if you don't want your diary to know your true identity).

3) How to trick wealthy alcoholics into letting you "borrow" their credit card.

4) Learn to put on your own bullshit seminar and charge through the nose for it.

Comments anyone? Leave comments! I thrive on your love.

Olive's Paid Assistant

It just might work...

Raul Castro offered his plans to eradicate hunger on the island nation-state of Cuba (pronounced koo-BAH). Giant cheeseburgers. "We will have a giant cheeseburger in every town and every village of our proud country by the year 2028," boasted Castro.

But opposition party leader, Raul Nader, countered, "He doesn't have a plan for universal burger availability. Under his plan, 35% of the country's poorest citizens, including 300,000 women and children, will go without burgers. An additional 15% will actually be used to make the burgers. I just don't see this happening until at least 2029."

Move over, Nelson Brothers

...Diet Soap snagged an exclusive interview with legendary rock group Glass Tiger at their headquarters in Newmarket, Ontario last week. While most music fans could sing the entire A-side of The Thin Red Line from memory, insiders at The Rock 'n Roll Hall of Fame tell ...Diet Soap that it is the group's third album, Simple Mission, that has the rockers on the short list for playing one of the 6 after parties planned for this year's inductees.

DS: Alan (Alan Frew, vocals), first of all, let me gush. Rescued (By the Arms of Love) has my vote for best power ballad - ever!!!

AF: Yeah, it's funny. My songs are like my children. Once they're out there in the world, you never know how they're going to touch other people's lives. Is that a metal hand?

DS: Oh... uh...

AF: You know [unbuttoning top button of his Hawaiian shirt revealing tufts of thick gray chest hair and gold chain], we had planned for our fourth album to be a concept album all about how technology would blend with biology in the future. The working title was actually Metal Heart. Then Cat Power did a song by the same title on Moon Pix so that pretty much killed the project. And now you hear what Bill Gates has to say on the subject and it really makes you think.

DS: What are the boys up to now?

AF: Well, we just reunited and our next project is really exciting. You know, there are only 4 full-service car washes in the Newmarket area. But none of them offer an underbody rust-proof power wash - that is, until now. That's all I can say until plans are more definite, but let's just say we're set to open our car wash next month.

DS: Any other plans - for the band, I mean?

AF: Well, it's too soon to announce anything, but we're considering a "Free Wax Wednesday" and a "Thirsty Thursday", you know, a free 32 ounce Mega Gulp with a fill-up and a car wash so check out the website and come on down.

DS: Michael (Michael Hanson, original drummer) left the band in 1988. How has that affected...

AF: SHUT IT!!! SHUT YOUR HOLE!!! JUST SHUT IT!!!

[Alan leaves in a huff, slamming the door behind him.]

Then nothingness... Then the gurgling of a coffee pot... Then... I awake. It was all a dream... or was it?

[Camera pulls back to reveal Olive lying in bed, an empty Mega Gulp in one hand and feathers from an Indian Chief's headdress in the other hand - the metal one.]

Like Mother, like daughter

So, I learned something today. After researching Mommy's hysterectomy (no, she didn't get to keep the uterus leavings in a bell jar, I already asked), it seems that fate has brought us closer together. Mommy didn't have a complete hysterectomy. She had a partial hysterectomy. They took her uterus, sure, but they left the supracervical.


"So what? Who gives a shit?", you're probably asking. You're so mad, you're considering smearing feces all over the bathroom mirror of your local library where you're using free internet wireless. Put that poop down, hot head. The supracervical is the technical term used for the more familiar one - cervical stump!!! Mumsy has joined the Stump Club!!! Oh, Mother! Now you know what it's like to lose a part of yourself! Now you can understand me better. That is, once you get your robotic uterus implanted.

Fun facts about hysterectomies:

1) No celebrity has ever had one.
2) Mother's surgery was similar to the C-section I always wished she had chosen for me.
3) Mother's surgery was actually a laparoscopy that was "robot-assisted" I kid you not.
4) Technically, if Mother opted for gender reassignment surgery, she would be part-way there already.
5) Unlike the image above, Mumsy's gas-filled area was actually much larger.
6) Mother did not appreciate the following joke: "Look at it this way - since your womb has been disposed of, you can't experience 'empty nest' syndrome when Oliver leaves home."

I thought it would cheer her up, you know, like how if you have your tonsils removed, you can't get colds anymore...

Weird...scary weird...

Monthly brunch with Mumsy. Delayed a week due to her "emergency" hysterectomy. Weird shit happened... Mommy had iced tea... no alcohol... no Bloody Mary followed by "a drop of Chardonnay" followed by "a splash more Chardonnay" followed by embarrassingly loud stage whispers about our fellow diners. Iced tea. With lemon.

Then it gets really fucked.

We had a normal mother-daughter brunch. Mother even made pleasant, funny conversation. I had commented that I wished my iLimb came witha variety of attachments, like "fork", that I could use when eating brunch to amuse myself while my tipsy mother hits on the wait staff. Mommy then said, "You need a Swiss Army iLimb." Then she took a pen out of her purse and proceeded to sketch this hypothetical prosthetic for like 10 minutes with running commentary. She added a toothpick, corkscrew, and a lighter, in addition to the requisite screwdriver, spanner, and nail clipper. Her design incorporated the spork "to lighten the load."

You know how once in a while you hear about the surgeon who operated on the wrong leg? Is it possible that Mommy was mistakenly given a lobotomy instead of having her uterus scraped out?

You read my mind, Bill Gates!

In a surprise, and wholly unnecessary, proclamation, Bill Gates offered his prediction of the future of computer technology while answering questions on BBC's website recently. Gates said, "I'll be brave, in five years we'll have many tens of million of people sitting browsing their photos, browsing their music, organising their lives using [a] type of touch interface," he said. "That is, as long as their hands are their natural hands and not some type of prosthetic or robotic limb", he continued." "Those unfortunates will likely have to be provided with specially trained dogs to tap their screens for them as newer technologies will likely incorporate special fail-safe software to prevent 'smarter' computers and robotic technologies from using their own computers to gain the upper hand in their relentless, unseen war against human technologies, or 'people.'" Gates did offer hope for amputees, however, saying, "There may be a time in the distant, far-off future when amputees using prosthetics will be read as 'hybrids' or 'half-breeds' by computers and, therefore, given partial access to specific programs, such as iTunes and Excel. But, I wouldn't hold my breath."

Clean and sober

I came home last night and there were two big boxes on my bed. The accompanying note from Mother revealed that she decided it was time to clean out my bedroom closet (between the hours of 11 pm when I left and 3:30 am when I returned). "Keep or donate." Mummy, which charitable organization do you think would most likely benefit from my high school biology labs and feather collection? I'll call Amvets first. "An assortment of feathers you found in your yard between the ages of 4 and 9 years old? We can have a truck there by Wednesday. The Desert Storm folks will love 'em! They use them in their crafting room."

Mother, just because the doctors vacuumed out your uterus, doesn't mean you have to vacuum my room.

Besides, your womb is responsible for numerous crimes against humanity. We should go to the Applebee's to celebrate its removal!

Look at it this way - now there's more room for Bernard.

Vagina Review!

Let's face it - America loves vaginas. And they're always making headlines. Here is a brief summary of vaginas in the media from this past week. Enjoy!

1. Mother got a hysterectomy last Thursday, Valentine's Day. Now she'll never have the other daughter she secretly desires.

2. In other news, I have placed a bid on this Virgin Mary pretzel on eBay. I will dip it in mustard and consume it.

3. My vagina has been enjoying some free time lately and is planning a get-away to Antigua this Spring.

4. Bette Midler is slated to star in the new off-Broadway production of the 'The Vagina Dialogues.' Should be an interesting soundtrack.

5. My friend Cunty split her lip open after a night of heavy drinking after the Vampire Weekend concert last week.

Contesticles!

Here's the contest! If I receive 5 unique comments on this post by Sunday, 2/17/08, I will resume my frenetic blogging pace.

Good luck! And check out Mario's package for free!

olive, where are you?

where am i?

am i dead?
am i dreaming?
did i break my good hand?
did i break my bionic hand?

am i depressed?
am i distracted?

is it mother?
is it siobhan?
is is bernard?
is it the doorman?
is it cunty?
is it dum dum?

why did i break my "9th of every month" pledge?
what the fuck?
what's wrong with me?

have i been drinking?
does too much money and too much free time and too few hands mess with a person's mind?

happy valentine's day.