Like Mother, like daughter

So, I learned something today. After researching Mommy's hysterectomy (no, she didn't get to keep the uterus leavings in a bell jar, I already asked), it seems that fate has brought us closer together. Mommy didn't have a complete hysterectomy. She had a partial hysterectomy. They took her uterus, sure, but they left the supracervical.


"So what? Who gives a shit?", you're probably asking. You're so mad, you're considering smearing feces all over the bathroom mirror of your local library where you're using free internet wireless. Put that poop down, hot head. The supracervical is the technical term used for the more familiar one - cervical stump!!! Mumsy has joined the Stump Club!!! Oh, Mother! Now you know what it's like to lose a part of yourself! Now you can understand me better. That is, once you get your robotic uterus implanted.

Fun facts about hysterectomies:

1) No celebrity has ever had one.
2) Mother's surgery was similar to the C-section I always wished she had chosen for me.
3) Mother's surgery was actually a laparoscopy that was "robot-assisted" I kid you not.
4) Technically, if Mother opted for gender reassignment surgery, she would be part-way there already.
5) Unlike the image above, Mumsy's gas-filled area was actually much larger.
6) Mother did not appreciate the following joke: "Look at it this way - since your womb has been disposed of, you can't experience 'empty nest' syndrome when Oliver leaves home."

I thought it would cheer her up, you know, like how if you have your tonsils removed, you can't get colds anymore...

Weird...scary weird...

Monthly brunch with Mumsy. Delayed a week due to her "emergency" hysterectomy. Weird shit happened... Mommy had iced tea... no alcohol... no Bloody Mary followed by "a drop of Chardonnay" followed by "a splash more Chardonnay" followed by embarrassingly loud stage whispers about our fellow diners. Iced tea. With lemon.

Then it gets really fucked.

We had a normal mother-daughter brunch. Mother even made pleasant, funny conversation. I had commented that I wished my iLimb came witha variety of attachments, like "fork", that I could use when eating brunch to amuse myself while my tipsy mother hits on the wait staff. Mommy then said, "You need a Swiss Army iLimb." Then she took a pen out of her purse and proceeded to sketch this hypothetical prosthetic for like 10 minutes with running commentary. She added a toothpick, corkscrew, and a lighter, in addition to the requisite screwdriver, spanner, and nail clipper. Her design incorporated the spork "to lighten the load."

You know how once in a while you hear about the surgeon who operated on the wrong leg? Is it possible that Mommy was mistakenly given a lobotomy instead of having her uterus scraped out?

You read my mind, Bill Gates!

In a surprise, and wholly unnecessary, proclamation, Bill Gates offered his prediction of the future of computer technology while answering questions on BBC's website recently. Gates said, "I'll be brave, in five years we'll have many tens of million of people sitting browsing their photos, browsing their music, organising their lives using [a] type of touch interface," he said. "That is, as long as their hands are their natural hands and not some type of prosthetic or robotic limb", he continued." "Those unfortunates will likely have to be provided with specially trained dogs to tap their screens for them as newer technologies will likely incorporate special fail-safe software to prevent 'smarter' computers and robotic technologies from using their own computers to gain the upper hand in their relentless, unseen war against human technologies, or 'people.'" Gates did offer hope for amputees, however, saying, "There may be a time in the distant, far-off future when amputees using prosthetics will be read as 'hybrids' or 'half-breeds' by computers and, therefore, given partial access to specific programs, such as iTunes and Excel. But, I wouldn't hold my breath."

Clean and sober

I came home last night and there were two big boxes on my bed. The accompanying note from Mother revealed that she decided it was time to clean out my bedroom closet (between the hours of 11 pm when I left and 3:30 am when I returned). "Keep or donate." Mummy, which charitable organization do you think would most likely benefit from my high school biology labs and feather collection? I'll call Amvets first. "An assortment of feathers you found in your yard between the ages of 4 and 9 years old? We can have a truck there by Wednesday. The Desert Storm folks will love 'em! They use them in their crafting room."

Mother, just because the doctors vacuumed out your uterus, doesn't mean you have to vacuum my room.

Besides, your womb is responsible for numerous crimes against humanity. We should go to the Applebee's to celebrate its removal!

Look at it this way - now there's more room for Bernard.

Vagina Review!

Let's face it - America loves vaginas. And they're always making headlines. Here is a brief summary of vaginas in the media from this past week. Enjoy!

1. Mother got a hysterectomy last Thursday, Valentine's Day. Now she'll never have the other daughter she secretly desires.

2. In other news, I have placed a bid on this Virgin Mary pretzel on eBay. I will dip it in mustard and consume it.

3. My vagina has been enjoying some free time lately and is planning a get-away to Antigua this Spring.

4. Bette Midler is slated to star in the new off-Broadway production of the 'The Vagina Dialogues.' Should be an interesting soundtrack.

5. My friend Cunty split her lip open after a night of heavy drinking after the Vampire Weekend concert last week.

Contesticles!

Here's the contest! If I receive 5 unique comments on this post by Sunday, 2/17/08, I will resume my frenetic blogging pace.

Good luck! And check out Mario's package for free!

olive, where are you?

where am i?

am i dead?
am i dreaming?
did i break my good hand?
did i break my bionic hand?

am i depressed?
am i distracted?

is it mother?
is it siobhan?
is is bernard?
is it the doorman?
is it cunty?
is it dum dum?

why did i break my "9th of every month" pledge?
what the fuck?
what's wrong with me?

have i been drinking?
does too much money and too much free time and too few hands mess with a person's mind?

happy valentine's day.