Christmas dinner with Mother and Drunk Bernard. What a nice affair it was. We had it catered by Apples and Pears. The food was great as usual. My favorite was the truffle smashed potatoes. My dining companions, well, they were creepy and unsettling as usual. Drunk Bernard made his annual peace offering to me. He gave me a Flip Mino HD camcorder, which I pretended to not like even though I like it very much indeed (feigning disinterest is the most assured way of getting increasingly expensive gifts year after year from D.B.). The best gift he gave me though was these rubber key thingies called Keytars.
Quick Quiz:
1. I chose the British flag Keytar because:
a) I am forever loyal to the Queen - Long live the Queen!
b) I am an Anglophile (and I believe we each have a pair of Anglos on our shoulders recording our every thought, hope, and deed).
c) Because when Mother attempted to attach the other 4 Keytars first, they split down the middle like so much low-quality fruit leather.
Here's a fun fact: As an amputee, I am unable to take keys on and off of key rings.
Fun Fact #2: Mother has her two original hands (as of this posting) and yet she, too, struggles greatly with removing, affixing Keytars, and replacing them onto the key ring, thereby needlessly mutilating the Keytar I actually wanted on my key ring ("Mother, you don't need a screwdriver to get the key off!!! You're ripping it!!!").
2. Eating fruit leather is like having sex because:
a) When it's good, it's great, and when it's bad... it's still pretty good.
b) In less than ideal circumstances, they both have the potential to result in awkward trips to the Emergency Room (or oddly shaped mouth sores).
c) They both involve massive amounts of fruit leather.
3. My brother couldn't make it to dinner because his girlfriend's kid had to go to the ER because he cut his hand on the Christmas tree stand (er something). Oliver's girlfriend, Jackie, is a slut because:
a) She is the only person I know who has had two kids by three different fathers.
b) Actually, she just has two different kids by two different baseball teams (one of which was semi-pro - impressive).
c) She isn't a slut, but I just don't like her and when two women don't like each other very much, they tell everyone else that that person is a slut. And when one of those women is trying to be clever, they camouflauge their disdain for the other woman by using a Quick Quiz format (very clever indeed).
