NEWS FLASH!

I'm bored...

Those Amazing Dolphins!!!

Wow! Those adorable dolphins are back in the news! The seemingly harmless, gentle sea critters have set the scientific community on its ear once again, per a recent story ....Diet Soap obtained today from Internacional Press Associatos. According to Dr. Marcello Abogado, Chief Scientist at the West Indies Aquatic Science Centre, March 24, 2008 marked a milestone in a recent breakthrough in the interpretation of the mammal's infamous "echolocation clicks" and "burst-pulsed signature whistles" previously thought to be a form of self-identification among dolphins, the "Mayors of the Sea."

Dr. Abogado explained, "Today, we have successfully beta tested a complex computerized system for translating dolphin whistles into human language, a feat once thought of as impossible."

The news conference took an unexpected turn, however, when Dr. Abogado balked at the possibility of sharing these amazing new insights with the general public for surprising reasons. "After translating numerous streams of 'dolphin-speak', we have concluded that releasing of these transcripts to the populace-at-large could cause unforeseen problems." When pressed for an explanation, Dr. Abogado simply said, "Look, all we've recorded so far appears to be a crude mixture of racial epithets and curse words. One of the scientist's children accidentally heard the translation and, well, he's shown unusual changes in his behavior." Later, Dr. Abogado explained the boy, a 6 year old, has taken to smearing and ingested his own feces.

Other fun facts divulged by Dr. Abogado:

1. Aside from humans, dolphins are the only animal who manufactures highly addictive drugs. Known among scientists as "crubble", this substance is 10 times more potent than crack-cocaine and is derived from an precise mixture of plankton, ammonia, and baking powder!

2. Dolphins often sexually abuse sea animals much smaller than themselves, not for sexual gratification, but for their own personal amusement!

3. Dolphins are notorious smearers of feces!

4. Dolphins are responsible for 350 human deaths per year!

5. Dolphins store unused crubble in a nasal air sac and quickly snuff it through their blow hole, resulting in a near instant high that can last as long a 8 hours!

6. The only good dolphin is a dead dolphin!

Well, well, well...

Seems like Hillary's got some explaining to do.

Recently, the National Archives released over 11,000 pages of Mrs. Clinton's schedule when she was first lady. Here are some of the shocking revelations contained in the documents:

1) When Cuba Gooding Jr. was winning his Oscar for Best Supporting Actor at the 1997 Academy Awards ceremony for his role as "Billy" in "Jerry McGuire", Mrs. Clinton was hosting an "Oscar Party" at the White House. What else is she hiding?

2) Mrs. Clinton's schedule reveals that on June 3, 1998, while Germany was waking up to news of the Eschede train disaster, the world's deadliest high-speed train disaster, Hillary Rodham Clinton was hosting a consortium on children's health care. Guess she cares about health care, that is, unless you're a German child heading home from the hospital in a high-speed train, right, Mrs. Clinton?

3) While Bill Clinton was in a closed NSA meeting, Hillary Rodham Clinton, potentially the next leader of the free world, was reading the newspaper while, get this, eating breakfast!!! "Sorry, Ahmadinejad. I'm sure it's an emergency - it's 3 fucking a.m.! But I still got half of the funnies to get through." Right, Mrs. Clinton?

Well, well, well. Well, well, well. Well?

I win!!!

Wow! I can't believe my good luck! I just got a call from my lawyer. Guess what! The government of a small island nation (that I am prohibited from naming under terms of the settlement) was forced to cough up an extra $4200 to yours truly (before my lawyer takes his cut, of course). Roughly .005 percent of the total settlement (I can't disclose the exact amount) meted out approximately 11 years ago, this unexpected windfall came about after the government of my home country launched an exhaustive accounting investigation into the distribution of all monies awarded by this shitty backwards country to citizens of my equally shitty country (but with a larger military).

You know, maybe they have finally made up for their negligence that resulted in the loss of my hand and my father's life. Just think of all the shit I can do with this much cash! Here are a few ideas:

1) I can put a down payment on a Skidoo (finally).
2) I can afford a week long vacation visiting the empty square of scorched earth that used to house a giant warehouse for cheap carom products and other knock-offs.
3) I can rent a billboard downtown and erect a 2 story high hand giving God the finger.
4) Does "240 Webkinz" mean anything to anyone out there?
5) I can fuck the Governor.

Do you believe this shit?

Milestone!

Everyone! Let's celebrate me!

The last post was my official 100th post! Not only that, I have now hit the 1000 pages viewed mark!

Here are some other notable milestones I have recently reached:

1) Mother has been sober for 14 days now - that's 2 consecutive weeks.
2) I haven't menstruated in 23 days!
3) I still have a robotic hand!
4) I have now attended 10 psychotherapy sessions with a man who thinks I have a personality disorder!
5) I have been officially diagnosed with personality disorder for the past 48 days!
6) No one has one the "Dear Mr. Jesus" contest yet!
7) I only have 4 plastic novelty hook and ...Diet Soap butter knife sets left!
8) I now own two copies of Richard Marx's autobiography, Life on the Dotted Line, both given as gag gifts from my dumb frends.
9) Honey Nut Cheerios are the new Cinnamon Toast Crunches.
10) I can't tell when healthcare professionals are hitting on me versus just doing their job!

Well, let's hope there's 100 more posts to celebrate. Send me a congratulations comment and you just might find yourself in the drawing for a plastic novelty hook and butter knife set poorly autographed by yours truly.

Love and rockets.

Open Letter to Governor Spitzer

Dear Client 9,

Wait! It's not too late. We can still salvage your term. Here are the top three ideas that came out of my recent pow-wow with some of your country's greatest political thinkers. Our plan in general? Divert your constituents' attention. Here's how:

1) Invade a terrorist state. My vote is for Connecticut.

2) Have staffers leak a story about how a nondescript dark-skinned male abandoned the prostitute in the back of your cab. Use key phrases in your description to ensure believability such as "dark-skinned", "medium build" and "knit cap". "What was I supposed to do? She had been abandoned!"

3) Don't run from the problem. Turn it on it's head - confuse them. Your personal plight underscores the urgent need for your unheralded initiative - mandatory driver's licenses for all illegal commercial sex workers.

If it helps, I know how you must be feeling. I, myself, have been called a hooker (by my brother) on account of my prosthetic hand that used to be a hook and is now an iLimb. I, too, come from a broken home (on account of my father perishing in the warehouse fire what took my hand and my mother subsequently developed a drinking problem which has, for the moment, resolved status post her hysterical-ectomy, which is not, as one might presume, a good thing) and I am an aspiring singer (or whatever).

Spitzer Swallows?

Swallows, although I've never had sex with live birds before...

Sorry, everyone. This is a private matter. It's between me, my wife, and 3 million people who voted for me. Would you judge me any better if I said it was a "high-class" prostitution ring?

Come on, Spitzer. You could at least have gone with a prostitution co-op.

______________

See, Homeless, I can be political too.