Open your eyes, people.

Most people don't realize just how big of a problem this is. Look what my publicist just sent me.

And then after your family maims you, look what society does next, after you pull yourself up from despair, single-handedly, literally.

In too Depp

It just so happens that I lost my hand right around the time that Edward Scissorhands came out. Needless to say, I became obsessed. This poster still hangs over my childhood bed. I've decided to stay with Mother for the next few weeks. I can run Standing in Line to Diet Soap from anywhere.

...Holy Sh@#!!!

Talk about freaky. I was about to leave for a tour around town when I realized I forgot my change purse for the parking meter (there is only one parking meter in this town). When I turned to go back to my room, this is what I saw. Maybe I was too quick to judge the iLimb. Maybe Mommy was right. Maybe it is "fucking awesome."

That's Far Enough!

British candy company released its newest taste sensation today - the Gold Bar. The slogan: "Candy so good, my security team will blow your fucking head off if you come any closer." Comes with or without Craisins.

Amazing Science!

Mario Lopez demonstrates the Miss Teen 3000 in front of a group of frightened 3rd grade U.S. Americans. The demonstration was broadcast to soldiers in The Iraq.

Oh, Oliver called. He's not missing. He decided to go for a "walkabout" along U.S. 30.

I love you.

As iLimb and Breathe

Woke up this morning to find this under my pillow - the new iLimb from Touch Bionics. Yes, Mother, I know about the prosthetic hand with five separately-powered fingers. I know the iLIMB could allow my fingers to open and close using the electric signals generated by the remaining portion of my arm. I also know that it took me forever how to use this damn hook!

Off to the States to track down my brother.

Stephen Colbert, who do you think you're fooling?

After greeting Mother and exchanging pleasantries (i.e., details about my brother's disappearance), we said goodnight and I went into the study to relax in front of the television. And what did I see but a pathetic, failed attempt by television's Stephen Colbert to lure me out of hiding and onto his show. Broken wrist, Stephen? More like a thinly veiled reference to my deformity. Did you think I would take the bait? Think again.

Oh, and one thing his viewers might want to consider as they hail Stephen as the new voice of America. Colbert is typically pronounced kohl-BERT. How does he pronounce it? Yes, kohl-BEAR. Time to put yourself on the threatdown, Stephen? Unless you're not a covert part of the pro-bear agenda that is bringing this nation to it's knees. We knew the bears would make their way into popular media; we just thought it would be on FOX.