Mmmm....coffee!

Cunty stopped by with a fresh brew for me this morning. Also, she gave me a teddy bear with it's arm in a sling (I didn't break my fucking arm, you dumb ass). I was like, what the fuck. Then, I burst into tears (I know, I've been doing that a lot lately, what do you want from me?!) when I realized she had cut off the hand and re-attached it in a painfully obvious way (with green thread) to celebrate (or "sale-a-brate", her fav joke) my iLimb. Way to go, Cunty. Now I have to rethink your secret nickname.

psst...

sorry i haven't posted in a while, everyone. it's just that, uh, i kinda just got the iLimb attached... it's fucked up... let me catch my breath and i'll get back to blogging. i need a little time to adjust to this thing. it's fucked up and i've been alternating between laughing and crying for the past week... don't tell anyone.

Lessons from Freud

Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. But sometimes a cigar is a dolphin mocking you. At least that's what you should tell the cops when you get accused of slapping a cigar out of the mayor's mouth at the opening of a new community center. (Dolphins look kinda phallic, right?)

Ask Olive!

Former dancing great, Gail Horning, writes:

Dear Olive,

There's this guy I like who's really cute and I think he likes me. There's one thing though - he hates amputees. What should I do?

Love,

Gail Horning, Former Dancing Great
_______________

Dear Gail,

We all hate amputees. I say go for it.

Yours,

Olive

Ask Olive!

Diane Scheggler of Wichita, NY writes:

Dear Olive,

Can you settle a bet between myself and former dancing great, Gail Horning? She thinks it's impossible, but can one be racist against one's own race?

Love and Carrots,

Diane Scheggler of Wichita, NY

Dear Diane,

It depends. Are you White?

Love and Diapers,

Olive

Knock out!

Evander Holyfield is pictured here with his two children, George and George.

Hooray!

After a furious weekend of blogging for ...Diet Soap and my other freelance writing gigs, I am proud to announce that my increase in writing has resulted, for the first time in my one-handed life, in a decrease in readers! As Mother often says, "Why buy the cow when you can be lactose indifferent for free." Okay, she said that once and she had been drinking White Russians for the better part of the afternoon.