...Diet Soap

Someone Got a Job!!!

2011-07-23T19:11:00.000-07:00

Hey, adoring fans! I know it's been a while, but I finally have something to share. I am finally being paid to make people laugh! Well, technically, I am reviewing other people who try to make us laugh. Oh, just click on the link and read my shitty reviews!

Against medical orders...

2010-05-09T16:59:00.000-07:00

Suck it, Ashram. I'm getting the YikeBike irregardless of my artificial hand.

Bad Fiction Contest

2010-05-09T05:37:00.000-07:00

Here is the first entry we have received for the 5th Annual Bad Fiction Contest. Please to enjoy and don't forget to submit your own bad fiction... TODAY! Voting ends June 12th!

Jupiter’s Daydream
by Ange F.

Like the celestial orb she was named after, Charon’s image danced and perambulated across my mind as I laid in bed trying to fall asleep after a day when I danced and perambulated across the busy diner floor that I call my job. Charon like so many of my friends was a lawyer. I had known her since we were at the elementary school together as young children. Her desk was next to mine.

If I only knew how close her body would be next to mine when we got older?

I awoke to the anxious sun winking it’s cheerful morning message of pride like a beacon of light pulsating in the Sky. I scrambled across the floor of my loft stumbling on the Greek yoghurt containers and PBR cans that lay assembled at my feet like dead soldiers in the killing fields awaiting there orders. A ladybug caught my eye and I stubbed my toe on the IKEA television stand. I would be late for work again.

I was to meet Charon at the library after my shift. I had remembered to bring my long overdue books. If Terry Fox was the Olympic champion of running, than I was the Olympics of overdue books.

To passerbys I must of looked like I was lost in thought. But I was only sidetracked by my internal recollections. As a child I had longer to be like Terry Fox, the canadian juggernaut had perambulated his way across a nation’s hearts as he criss-crossed the nation on his amputated leg. As a child, I thought of blind people and their heightened senses as a result of their deprived one – sight. What has Terry heightened on account of his missing limb? Did roses sound more lovely in the fading tendrils of the summer light? Did fish swim faster in the black asphault of the icy lagoon?

As I turned the corner I espied Charon gently rotating around like some kind of lunar satellite and I knew then what it would feel like as my heart was swatted out of the air by the meaty paw of the mighty polar bear as it hunted for salmon on the banks of the Nile.

“Hey, chica!” she intoned.

…don’t blow this. Can I take your order? Burger… fries… Be right back with that.

I was distracted momentarily by the loud screech of tires on pavement. SCREEEEEEEECH! EEEEEEEEEEERK!

I looked up to see A troupe of tennagers on the prowl.

Oh! Hi. It’s been a long time… Charon, right?

Charon raised and then lowered her eyebrows. “Hey, chica. Let’s get down to the library and return these books.” Charon always returned her books on time. After we returned the books we stopped by the sporting goods store and bought some racquetball balls and made a date to play requetball later that day. I showed up but she didn’t.

No. It’s on the house. What? I get off at eight o’clock. Sure. Why not? That was six years ago.

I never saw her again.

Ask Olive!

2010-05-01T06:34:00.000-07:00

Hey, Olive.

I'm a long time fan, first time writer. Your absence has been sorely missed (or something). Where have you been? What is happening with you? I can't go on without knowing if you're ever coming back or not!!! Please write back soon. The men in suits have been following me for days. I fear they may [Editor's Note: This letter abruptly ended and is reprinted here in it's entirety.]

Dear 'I fear they may',

Why don't you read my older posts before you ask your dumb-ass questions. I have been in medical school. I did well, but I hate it. Therefore, I have decided to take a year off to count my large inheritance, attend every classical music concert I can, make fun of Mum, and return to service as an iReporter and cultural watch dog.

In the next several weeks, I will be posting several examples of bad short-fiction for your enjoyment. Please to enjoy.

Yours,

Olive D.

OH MY FUDGING GOD!!!

2009-07-05T14:35:00.000-07:00

I, Olive Duster, the Queen of Underachievement, passed every exam "with distinction"!!! In lieu of gifts, please send pictures of your knees (kissing the dirt in deference to me) to my P.O. box.

Suck it, Ashram!

P.S. I still might quit.

Oka Dokey!

2009-05-19T06:24:00.000-07:00

Lately, I've been preoccupied with the unfortunate period in our nation's history known as the Oka Crisis. Now, it's no secret that I love golf (what amputee wouldn't) and that I love sacred Mohawk burial grounds, but I never would have thought of combining these two hobbies of mine. But, then again, I am not from Quebec... Seriously, what the fudge? What was that committee meeting like? I think it may have gone something...like this:

"...Our next item is the Niobium mine near the monastery. We have a proposal to expand that mine from Jende Corp..."

[That goes on for 5-10 minutes and it is resolved to allow Jende Corp. to complete their safety study and to have engineers from the town to inspect the premises before giving them the okay.]

"Finally, let's dig up those old Indian bones and build us a real Par 5, instead of that spray-on condom we have now! All in favor?"

[Lots of hooting and boot stomping ensues; an incoherent mob leaves the Town Hall with hoes, rakes, and torches and marches down past the shitty little Par 4 (250 meters? Get real) and begins raping the Mohawks once more.

I need some sleep...

And remember - It's all about me.

O.D.

fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu*k yooooooooooooooooooooooooouuuuuuuuuu!

2009-05-16T18:56:00.000-07:00

if my god damn biochemistry professor asks, "how are we today?" one more fudging time, i swear to god i am going to purposefully unplug the autoclaves.

eye hate med school

2009-03-25T11:44:00.000-07:00

there is nothing worse than "doing the eyes" in anatomy...

What's for dinner?

2009-02-16T06:49:00.000-08:00

OMG, last night at dinner, Drunk Bernard was in rare form. "I'm a G&T man, myself..." And he loves to pepper his monologues with fancy words. All I kept thinking was, "If you use the word 'abeyance' once more time, I'm going to dump my veal cutlet with radish reduction, lentils, and celery root on your three piece Oxxxford."

It's funny how whenever I agree to a fine dining experience with Mother and DB, I just end up wanting to eat my own head.

Yes We Kan-anaskis!

2009-02-15T04:26:00.000-08:00

After this morning, I told Mother to think of my room as a smaller version of Kananskis, Alberta. As many of you know, Kananaskis is an "improvement district" whose number one priority is watershed protection. Maybe future tragedies like the one below could be averted.

______________

After Mother careened into her bedroom following a night on the town with Drunk Bernard, I noticed my iPhone peeking out of her Prada handbag. The next morning she stumbled into the kitchen wearing my Pixies t-shirt and Freudian slippers (don't ask).

"So how was [Radu] Lupu?"

"Oh, Olive," she swooned. "He was... I know everyone was there to hear the Beethoven, but halfway through Symphonic Dances, I thought I was going to burst!"

[That's what happens when DB makes you drink too many Mud Slides during intermission.]

"Oh, you'll never guess who was there with his bottle-blond wife of his!"

[Um... That could describe most of your horrible friends.]

"That lovely Asian doctor - Ashram. He said you missed your last appointment."

"Oh?"

"I mentioned you had been so busy with medical school. Honestly, Olive, the poor man looked like he had swallowed a ladybug!"

[I bet you looked like you had swallowed a litre of Kahlua.]

"Oh, I took your iThingy for the show. I think it's broken, dear. Bernard couldn't switch it off for the performance so I had to leave it with the coat check gal. Poor thing said it cut her off in the middle of a call!"

STAY OUT OF MY ROOM!

the new mii

2009-02-14T19:19:00.001-08:00

as promised, here is the code to download the mii i created of myself on olive's battered wii:

5590-6146-0760

if you download me, alls i asks is that you let me know about it so i can feel famous for a day.

all my best,

o.d.

...all the way home!

2009-02-12T06:52:00.000-08:00

So med school may have been a failed experiment. Turns out I don't like touching people, talking to people, debating with people, or being with people. I'll give it one more semester and then we'll see. I am enjoying biochemistry...

Anyhoo, I took a few days off to just laze about... Mother and Bernard are part of this local consortium to attract (trick) high profile classical musicians to our city. BTW, they come here already so I don't know what the consortium actually does. Okay, I know. They get drunk at expensive restaurants and gossip about Qian Zhou's hairstyle.

So, all alone in the flat and what do I see? Mums bought Olive a Wii for Christmas and he never took it home. With my one real hand and my one robotic hand, however, I couldn't get the fudger out of the box. So with my keen medical mind I decided to take off my iLimb and reattach my old prosthetic hook and then I went medieval on that mofo. The end result is pictured here.

I got a 135 my first time bowling, which I'm sure no one has ever come close to matching.

I did make a Mii and I will post it here later so my fans can feel like they're part of the O.D. experience. I will not think twice about you, however, except when I am in Anatomy class.

I am cold and scared,

Olive

Olive the Other Reindeer

2008-12-27T05:20:00.000-08:00

Christmas dinner with Mother and Drunk Bernard. What a nice affair it was. We had it catered by Apples and Pears. The food was great as usual. My favorite was the truffle smashed potatoes. My dining companions, well, they were creepy and unsettling as usual. Drunk Bernard made his annual peace offering to me. He gave me a Flip Mino HD camcorder, which I pretended to not like even though I like it very much indeed (feigning disinterest is the most assured way of getting increasingly expensive gifts year after year from D.B.). The best gift he gave me though was these rubber key thingies called Keytars.

Quick Quiz:

1. I chose the British flag Keytar because:
a) I am forever loyal to the Queen - Long live the Queen!
b) I am an Anglophile (and I believe we each have a pair of Anglos on our shoulders recording our every thought, hope, and deed).
c) Because when Mother attempted to attach the other 4 Keytars first, they split down the middle like so much low-quality fruit leather.

Here's a fun fact: As an amputee, I am unable to take keys on and off of key rings.
Fun Fact #2: Mother has her two original hands (as of this posting) and yet she, too, struggles greatly with removing, affixing Keytars, and replacing them onto the key ring, thereby needlessly mutilating the Keytar I actually wanted on my key ring ("Mother, you don't need a screwdriver to get the key off!!! You're ripping it!!!").

2. Eating fruit leather is like having sex because:
a) When it's good, it's great, and when it's bad... it's still pretty good.
b) In less than ideal circumstances, they both have the potential to result in awkward trips to the Emergency Room (or oddly shaped mouth sores).
c) They both involve massive amounts of fruit leather.

3. My brother couldn't make it to dinner because his girlfriend's kid had to go to the ER because he cut his hand on the Christmas tree stand (er something). Oliver's girlfriend, Jackie, is a slut because:
a) She is the only person I know who has had two kids by three different fathers.
b) Actually, she just has two different kids by two different baseball teams (one of which was semi-pro - impressive).
c) She isn't a slut, but I just don't like her and when two women don't like each other very much, they tell everyone else that that person is a slut. And when one of those women is trying to be clever, they camouflauge their disdain for the other woman by using a Quick Quiz format (very clever indeed).

Holiday Tips!

2008-12-18T18:43:00.000-08:00

With the Canadian government in complete chaos and economic hardships spreading throughout the land, people are looking for simple solutions to stretch their holiday budgets. Here at Standing in Line to Diet Soap, we have found the solution - fractals. Using fractal geometry, we were able to save money by maximizing the surface area of this common serving platter to fit all of our deviled eggs at our recent holiday celebration. And, no one ate any! They were too busy hitting on the new intern.

Merry Christmas!

xxxxxxxx

Olive

uh-member me?

2008-12-18T12:44:00.001-08:00

dear legion of admirers:

i am sorry for my recent absence from the web. here are two clues to explain this misfortune:

1) i recently started medical school; and
2) i may have made a very large mistake.

please keep me in your thoughts. please don't pray for me. no god can save me now.

xxoo

O.D.

Around the World with Olive!

2008-10-20T07:37:00.000-07:00

For a long time, I've resisted numerous offers to write a travelogue of sorts. An open postcard, if you will, to share my vast knowledge of the many splendors this crazy blue marble has to offer. Well, I'm weak. I just signed on with a reputable on-line entity to do just that. But, rather than prostitute myself and promote their website, I will simply re-print my essays and lists here so that you too may benefit from my sojourns. First up - the good ol' USA!!!

A United States of Mind
By Olive Duster
*title added by editor who is known in the office as "the brooch lady" on account of all of her colorful and whimsical brooches that she wears, mostly of angels doing unexpected things, like using their halos as hula hoops, or an angel whose halo is in the shape of a jack-o'-lantern.

So, you've decided to visit the States! Wow, you're in store for quite a treat. They are approaching their presidential election between John W. McCain and Barry Obama (middle name is Husssein, in case you weren't scared enough yet). If you're lucky, you might just get swept up in the "Get Out the Vote" mayhem that has the country in it's icy grip.

But, if politics isn't your game, you'll be pleased to learn that a plethora of global revolutions have emerged from the "country on the hill"; there is something for every kind of afficianado. Did you know that the automobile was created in the United States by a man named George Washington Carver, yet he is most well-known for his love of peanut butter? Consult your favourite travel experts for a more comprehensive list of fun facts and exciting destinations in this "melting pod" of a country!

But be forewarned. With democracy comes great personal peril. Here are some not-so-fun-facts-about-America:

1) Did you know that every 6 weeks, some unfortunate is actually shot with a bullet from what American citizens refer to as "personal firearms"?

2) People pay good money to watch other people drive cars real fast in a circle. These people have strong opinions about who drives which car the best. It's a sport there.

3) Some people can actually see Russia from America, and Russia is scary.

4) Nebraska is part of the US of A, yet no one seems to know dick about Nebraska. Why is that, Senator Nelson? Maybe so we don't all see your plans to open foreign markets to your cattle your so damn proud of? Isn't Nebraska where they filmed Children of the Corn, Part IV - The Shucking?

5) Mariah Carey and Celine Dion are there.

That's all. Don't forget to bring plenty of bug spray and try to avoid raising the ire of the locals (they have personal firearms there).

Happy travels,

O.D.

Ask Olive!

2008-10-18T18:05:00.000-07:00

My chief adversary and confidant, Gail Horning, former dancing great, writes me three or four brief queries a week, not to mention numerous call-in questions that often go unanswered. However, once in a while, I will allow my followers to partake in the deliciousness of her insanity. Here goes:

Dear Olive,

I'm really worried about the economic crisis and how it might affect retirees like myself down here in Boca Raton, Florida, USA. What are your thoughts?

Your former dance teacher,

Gail "Former Dancing Great" Horning

_____________

Dear Gail,

There is no such thing as an economic crisis. We must look at times such as these as "oppor-tuna-ties" and not "panic-ities."

Look, remember Harry Browne? In 1974 he released his classic and prescient tome, You Can Profit from a Monetary Crisis. Read it, live it, and turn panic into profit. Or you can read his lesser known book, You Can Profit from a Monastery Crisis, a not-so-prescient book in which the prominent Libertarian foretold of a world without monks and robots controlled the opium drug trade out of Afghanistan.

Either way, please stop calling.

Your pepperpot,

Olive Duster

Saved by lithium

2008-10-15T11:53:00.000-07:00

Remember how in Salman Rushdie's Midnight's Children Saleem's telepathic powers were eradicated when his "father" tricked him into getting sinus surgery? If I recall, Ahmed Sinai loaded his wife, Saleem, and his sister, "The Monkey", into the Land Rover with a story of going to the beach for a picnic with just a quick stop en route.

Here's the thing. In my clandestine post a couple of months ago, I informed you, my own personal conference attendees, that Kieran, my thought-field therapist, had me beeping, bopping, tapping, boffing to the Nine Gamut and avoiding computer access (and cell phone access, and access to my friends and family), as this was the likely root cause of all of my psychological afflictions.

I admit that the adventure across Western Canada was fun. For example, in Alberta (where we spent 2 long weeks in local camp grounds), we attended the Canadian Professional Chuckwagon Association Finals, all four days of it. I got my face painted (Kieran paid - how sweet). Then we treked all over rural Canada. Kieran wouldn't stop singing Animal in Your Care by Wolf Parade ("It's in this language that I found..."). All the while, I dutifilly tapped and hummed, feeling weird, but exhilirated that someone finally got me (or brainwashed me).

Here's the thing. We had been gone so long that I had forgotten to replace the lithium ion battery what powers my prosthetic hand. So when that died, I couldn't do the tapping routine carefully set out by Kieran. He tried to get me to do it with the other hand (he tried to get me to a lot of things with the other hand), but I couldn't get into it. Once I stopped the therapy, I slowly realised - this guy is a fudging nut-job! And it is in that sense that I am like Saleem Sinai and in that regard that I was saved by lithium.

Love to you all. I am back home and ready to blog.

Tapped out

2008-08-30T14:32:00.000-07:00

I have been negligent in my posting and I am only writing now in secrecy. For the last 3 months I have been traveling throughout Western Canada with my thought field therapist, Kieran. He told me that the repetitive tapping and clacking of my fingers on the keyboard may actually be responsible for my personality disorder. Apparently, constant typing, particularly with the index finger of the left hand, can cause a blockage of my Qi. He has had me on a steady diet of the "nine gamut." It makes me look like I have a tic disorder, but I think it's working. Plus, I think he's been hitting on me, rubbing my back and whispering Robert Frost poems in my ear while I roll my eyes, hum, and tap my stomach over and over again. He says it's all part of the therapy. I keep wondering when he's going to tell me about the spaceship hiding behind the comet waiting to receive us at the end of the decade. Plus it's costing a fudging fortune. But he says it's worth every penny.

I'll write more after Alberta.

Olive The Musical!

2008-05-03T15:20:00.001-07:00

You know how when a musical note is sounded at, let's say 120 Hz? You know how all of the overtones are multiple integers of the fundamental tone of 120 Hz so that the overtones would be at 240 Hz, 360 Hz, 480 Hz etc.? Well, did you also know that if a synthesizer is programmed to play just the overtones without the fundamental tone, your brain would artificially register the missing tone? This is referred to as the "restoration of the missing fundamental." Well, it turns out the same thing happens at parties...

Cunty: That housewarming was a riot.
Dum Dum: I know. I think I had like 4 mojitos.
Cunty: You're so lucky you're not pregnant anymore.
Dum Dum: I know. Olive, you were so funny with that doorman. I thought I was gonna pee
my pants.
Cunty: Olive gets so freaked when people say shit about her hand. I thought you were
gonna deck that guy. Did you guys see John's suede couch? What the hell was that
about? Should we order some poppers?
Olive: Uh... I didn't go, remember?

NEWS FLASH!

2008-04-22T18:11:00.000-07:00

I'm bored...

Those Amazing Dolphins!!!

2008-03-26T15:43:00.000-07:00

Wow! Those adorable dolphins are back in the news! The seemingly harmless, gentle sea critters have set the scientific community on its ear once again, per a recent story ....Diet Soap obtained today from Internacional Press Associatos. According to Dr. Marcello Abogado, Chief Scientist at the West Indies Aquatic Science Centre, March 24, 2008 marked a milestone in a recent breakthrough in the interpretation of the mammal's infamous "echolocation clicks" and "burst-pulsed signature whistles" previously thought to be a form of self-identification among dolphins, the "Mayors of the Sea."

Dr. Abogado explained, "Today, we have successfully beta tested a complex computerized system for translating dolphin whistles into human language, a feat once thought of as impossible."

The news conference took an unexpected turn, however, when Dr. Abogado balked at the possibility of sharing these amazing new insights with the general public for surprising reasons. "After translating numerous streams of 'dolphin-speak', we have concluded that releasing of these transcripts to the populace-at-large could cause unforeseen problems." When pressed for an explanation, Dr. Abogado simply said, "Look, all we've recorded so far appears to be a crude mixture of racial epithets and curse words. One of the scientist's children accidentally heard the translation and, well, he's shown unusual changes in his behavior." Later, Dr. Abogado explained the boy, a 6 year old, has taken to smearing and ingested his own feces.

Other fun facts divulged by Dr. Abogado:

1. Aside from humans, dolphins are the only animal who manufactures highly addictive drugs. Known among scientists as "crubble", this substance is 10 times more potent than crack-cocaine and is derived from an precise mixture of plankton, ammonia, and baking powder!

2. Dolphins often sexually abuse sea animals much smaller than themselves, not for sexual gratification, but for their own personal amusement!

3. Dolphins are notorious smearers of feces!

4. Dolphins are responsible for 350 human deaths per year!

5. Dolphins store unused crubble in a nasal air sac and quickly snuff it through their blow hole, resulting in a near instant high that can last as long a 8 hours!

6. The only good dolphin is a dead dolphin!

Well, well, well...

2008-03-23T09:39:00.001-07:00

Seems like Hillary's got some explaining to do.

Recently, the National Archives released over 11,000 pages of Mrs. Clinton's schedule when she was first lady. Here are some of the shocking revelations contained in the documents:

1) When Cuba Gooding Jr. was winning his Oscar for Best Supporting Actor at the 1997 Academy Awards ceremony for his role as "Billy" in "Jerry McGuire", Mrs. Clinton was hosting an "Oscar Party" at the White House. What else is she hiding?

2) Mrs. Clinton's schedule reveals that on June 3, 1998, while Germany was waking up to news of the Eschede train disaster, the world's deadliest high-speed train disaster, Hillary Rodham Clinton was hosting a consortium on children's health care. Guess she cares about health care, that is, unless you're a German child heading home from the hospital in a high-speed train, right, Mrs. Clinton?

3) While Bill Clinton was in a closed NSA meeting, Hillary Rodham Clinton, potentially the next leader of the free world, was reading the newspaper while, get this, eating breakfast!!! "Sorry, Ahmadinejad. I'm sure it's an emergency - it's 3 fucking a.m.! But I still got half of the funnies to get through." Right, Mrs. Clinton?

Well, well, well. Well, well, well. Well?

I win!!!

2008-03-22T09:38:00.000-07:00

Wow! I can't believe my good luck! I just got a call from my lawyer. Guess what! The government of a small island nation (that I am prohibited from naming under terms of the settlement) was forced to cough up an extra $4200 to yours truly (before my lawyer takes his cut, of course). Roughly .005 percent of the total settlement (I can't disclose the exact amount) meted out approximately 11 years ago, this unexpected windfall came about after the government of my home country launched an exhaustive accounting investigation into the distribution of all monies awarded by this shitty backwards country to citizens of my equally shitty country (but with a larger military).

You know, maybe they have finally made up for their negligence that resulted in the loss of my hand and my father's life. Just think of all the shit I can do with this much cash! Here are a few ideas:

1) I can put a down payment on a Skidoo (finally).
2) I can afford a week long vacation visiting the empty square of scorched earth that used to house a giant warehouse for cheap carom products and other knock-offs.
3) I can rent a billboard downtown and erect a 2 story high hand giving God the finger.
4) Does "240 Webkinz" mean anything to anyone out there?
5) I can fuck the Governor.

Do you believe this shit?

Milestone!

2008-03-21T05:46:00.000-07:00

Everyone! Let's celebrate me!

The last post was my official 100th post! Not only that, I have now hit the 1000 pages viewed mark!

Here are some other notable milestones I have recently reached:

1) Mother has been sober for 14 days now - that's 2 consecutive weeks.
2) I haven't menstruated in 23 days!
3) I still have a robotic hand!
4) I have now attended 10 psychotherapy sessions with a man who thinks I have a personality disorder!
5) I have been officially diagnosed with personality disorder for the past 48 days!
6) No one has one the "Dear Mr. Jesus" contest yet!
7) I only have 4 plastic novelty hook and ...Diet Soap butter knife sets left!
8) I now own two copies of Richard Marx's autobiography, Life on the Dotted Line, both given as gag gifts from my dumb frends.
9) Honey Nut Cheerios are the new Cinnamon Toast Crunches.
10) I can't tell when healthcare professionals are hitting on me versus just doing their job!

Well, let's hope there's 100 more posts to celebrate. Send me a congratulations comment and you just might find yourself in the drawing for a plastic novelty hook and butter knife set poorly autographed by yours truly.

Love and rockets.

Open Letter to Governor Spitzer

2008-03-13T15:47:00.001-07:00

Dear Client 9,

Wait! It's not too late. We can still salvage your term. Here are the top three ideas that came out of my recent pow-wow with some of your country's greatest political thinkers. Our plan in general? Divert your constituents' attention. Here's how:

1) Invade a terrorist state. My vote is for Connecticut.

2) Have staffers leak a story about how a nondescript dark-skinned male abandoned the prostitute in the back of your cab. Use key phrases in your description to ensure believability such as "dark-skinned", "medium build" and "knit cap". "What was I supposed to do? She had been abandoned!"

3) Don't run from the problem. Turn it on it's head - confuse them. Your personal plight underscores the urgent need for your unheralded initiative - mandatory driver's licenses for all illegal commercial sex workers.

If it helps, I know how you must be feeling. I, myself, have been called a hooker (by my brother) on account of my prosthetic hand that used to be a hook and is now an iLimb. I, too, come from a broken home (on account of my father perishing in the warehouse fire what took my hand and my mother subsequently developed a drinking problem which has, for the moment, resolved status post her hysterical-ectomy, which is not, as one might presume, a good thing) and I am an aspiring singer (or whatever).

Spitzer Swallows?

2008-03-11T18:36:00.001-07:00

Swallows, although I've never had sex with live birds before...

Sorry, everyone. This is a private matter. It's between me, my wife, and 3 million people who voted for me. Would you judge me any better if I said it was a "high-class" prostitution ring?

Come on, Spitzer. You could at least have gone with a prostitution co-op.

______________

See, Homeless, I can be political too.

Say it ain't sober!

2008-03-10T04:16:00.001-07:00

In addition to the other weird shit that Mother has been doing since quitting the booze, recently she has begun awkwardly trying to strike up conversations with me. Here are actual segues and conversation-starters Mommy has used with me since her "procedure":

1. Bernard says ducks and the like descended from dinosaurs. Can you imagine, Olive (1)?

2. Tell me something. Dr. DiClemente (2) said you might have phantom pains periodically (3).

3. Fossil makes some snappy watches (4).

4. Have you ever seen really hardcore porn - you know, where the actors swear at each other and wear masks (5)?

5. I don't know about you, but I could murder a champagne truffle (6) about now. Where is that boy (7)?

Please, God, it was easier when she was drunk all the time.

________________

Footnotes:

1. Can I imagine you and Bernard having sex? Because that's all I can think about when you mention this creep's name.

2. Dr. DiClemente is the asshole who couldn't "save" my hand.

3. Was that a question.

4. Since when did Mother frequent Dendlo's Shopping Mall?

5. I...

6. Actually, a Teuscher's champagne truffle sounds pretty good.

7. Mother's pet name for all waitpersons, even when they are female and adult, as in this case.

Move over, Bacon...

2008-03-08T14:11:00.001-08:00

I think Mother is starting to crack. I know I am missing her alcohol-induced blackouts. Last night - this is actually awkward for me to reveal - last night, Mommy came into my room and asked if she could sleep with me.

She is the only person who could make a 6000 sq. ft. apartment feel like a studio.

After the tone...

2008-03-07T17:02:00.001-08:00

Here are 3 of the 4 actual messages on my answering machine at this moment:

1. Olive, sweetie, it's Mummy. Oh, honey, pick up, I need you. Bernard has locked us out of his Lexus and, honey, I'm afraid we're going to be mugged or molested in some way. Could you meet us at the Uptown Theatre with his spare keys? Lunch is on us.

Where to begin. Mother has Bernard's spare keys to his car. Hmmm... Mother is afraid of being "molested" at 11 am in the downtown theatre district. Mother has not slurred any words (e.g., "schweedie" for "sweetie"). I did not pick up.

2. Hey, Ma. Could you stop calling me at Jackie's place? You're freaking her out. Use my cell. Don't call Jackie's cell. Call me directly. 'Kay? Don't call me at Jackie's. Bye.

My brother, Oliver, referring to his loser girlfriend. Jackie has 2 kids from 3 different fathers. Jackie has a tattoo of an angel reading the Bible on her shoulder. An angel... reading... the Bible.

3. [Not for you].

No comment.

4. Yeah, this is Robert from Levon's Liquor and Grocery. Your prescription is ready and I checked with the manager - we don't carry anti-fungal toilet guards.

No fucking idea. Don't think I want to know. On second thought, I'll find out and let you all know what that was all about. I feel obligated

Hope you enjoyed and, hey, call me sometime.

Mommy 'Complex'

2008-03-06T16:02:00.000-08:00

Well, Mother's hysterectomy has been a fun time for all of us at ...Diet Soap and we hope you have enjoyed the graphic illustrations and anecdotes about this hilarious procedure. But, alas, all good things must end. Mother has had rather painful trips to the bathroom only to be diagnosed by her quack with 'Complex Diarrhea.' According to this idiot (I accompanied my Mommy who seems to have grown 20 years older now that she has been robbed of her daily White Russian intake (a sober Mother will be detailed in a later post)), there are four kinds of diarrhea. I won't bore you, but Mumsy has "inflammatory diarrhea" that occurs when there is damage to the mucosal lining or brush border, prolly as a result of the hysterectomy. Normally, I wouldn't care - I would continue reading Variety or playing with my PSP while she moans in the bathroom. But, of course, nothing is easy with Mother. She wants me to "keep her company" while she sits there. So I have to talk to her through the closed door and read aloud from People Magazine (which is fucking hysterical). Should clear up with antibiotics...

Funny shit - literally.

Ask Olive!

2008-03-02T05:46:00.000-08:00

Dear Olive,

First of all, let me just say how great we here in Boca Raton, Florida think you are. You're experiences as a not-so-young-anymore socialite amputee have been like a ray of sunshine in this otherwise dull and depressing place we here call "The Sunshine State." Normally I wouldn't bother someone like you with my troubles, but I didn't know to whom else I could turn [editor's note: to whom else I could turn, can you believe this shit?]. Here's my query:

I have a friend who was scheduled to be inducted into the Hall of Fame in his or her profession, a very important and inspiring profession that touches people in profound and significant ways. The problem is that before he or she could receive the honor, the invitation was reneged after he or she was caught "receiving" something else in the backstage bathroom before the ceremony.

Is there any hope for my friend to take his or her rightful place in the shrine of his or her profession?

Former Dancing Great,

Gail Horning

______________

Dear Gail,

You can't give the backstage bathroom attendant at the Boca Raton Dancing Hall of Fame a lap dance before the induction ceremony, forget to lock or even close the door, and expect there to be no consequences (especially at your age), if that's what you're asking.

Gail Horning Fan and Aging Socialite,

Olive Duster

Uh... No.

2008-03-01T13:26:00.000-08:00

Get this - Dr. Assram calls me - on a Saturday - and here's what he has to say:

"Hello, Olive. How are we today?"

This is his standard annoying greeting.

"Fine."

"I am calling because I wanted to see if you would be available to discuss your experiences with the iLimb at a brown bag luncheon we are hosting at the clinic on Thursday."

Dr. Assram doesn't believe in contractions so he actually says "I am" instead of "I'm" like most people. Also, I would not be surprised if he never eats, sleeps, or leaves the hospital.

"Uh..."

Brown bag luncheon? Are you fucking serious? Don't you know that I hate people?

"Many of our residents have not had direct contact with this technology and I thought it would be a good experience for them to meet one of our success stories."

Can I be drunk?

"I..."

"It would be a 45 minute luncheon and all you would have to do is answer their questions, demonstrate the technology, and allow me to remove and attach the prosthetic."

Demonstrate the technology? How? By doing Cat's Cradle? By threading a needle? Maybe I could cut an apple or scratch myself.

"Olive? What do you say?"

I Kant take it!!!

2008-02-27T17:02:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I feel like Immanuel Kant after his Critique of Pure Reason flopped miserably when it was first published in 1787. "It's too frickin' long," cited one contemporary critic, Johann Gottfried Herder. "I just can't get through all of this gossamer," using the slang word for "800 pages of terse philosophical rhetoric." It wasn't until Karl Reinhold started writing about how great Kant was in a series of responses to the Pantheism Dispute that dominated the Enlightenment era that Kant was given his fair dues.

What I'm saying is that maybe I need one of you to share my philosophies with the general public so I can start making some money off of this shit. These "I Love Duster" t-shirts are not moving like I anticipated.

The world is abuzz...

2008-02-26T16:10:00.000-08:00

about the...

SEED VAULT!!!!!!!!

It's about time! All these years, I have lost sleep over the inadequate security at the other 1,400 seed vaults around the world. Thank God. Thank you sweet Lord above for this heaven on earth. Finally, a sperm bank we can be proud of!

Write like me!

2008-02-26T14:26:00.000-08:00

...Diet Soap is now accepting applications for a one-time only writing seminar lead by the incomparable Olive Duster herself. Spots are limited so apply now (applicants must be over 18 years old and own a minimum of three (3) leather garments (jackets do not count).)

Here is just a brief glimpse at what you might learn at the ...Diet Soap Writer's Paradise is Blind Workshop:

1) How to write like Olive. Learn all of Olive's various blogging formats, such as this classic:

Fact, fact, fact, fact, could be a fact, hard to tell, probably not a fact, but I'm still not sure, oh, I see, definitely not a fact, outright lie, sarcastic quip, self or other deprecating comment, usually about fake hand, drunk mother, or shitty friends.

2) How to write a diary entry using the Mad OLibs method, for example:

Dear Diary, Can you believe (name of family member or shitty friend or stranger) actually (verb-past tense) that poor (name of animal, piece of furniture, beverage) in the elevator. What an (asshole). I hope that (he, she, it) dies (soon, a slow painful death, in a horrible warehouse fire). Yours humbly, (Your name, pseudonym if you don't want your diary to know your true identity).

3) How to trick wealthy alcoholics into letting you "borrow" their credit card.

4) Learn to put on your own bullshit seminar and charge through the nose for it.

Comments anyone? Leave comments! I thrive on your love.

Olive's Paid Assistant

It just might work...

2008-02-25T04:31:00.000-08:00

Raul Castro offered his plans to eradicate hunger on the island nation-state of Cuba (pronounced koo-BAH). Giant cheeseburgers. "We will have a giant cheeseburger in every town and every village of our proud country by the year 2028," boasted Castro.

But opposition party leader, Raul Nader, countered, "He doesn't have a plan for universal burger availability. Under his plan, 35% of the country's poorest citizens, including 300,000 women and children, will go without burgers. An additional 15% will actually be used to make the burgers. I just don't see this happening until at least 2029."

Move over, Nelson Brothers

2008-02-24T06:32:00.000-08:00

...Diet Soap snagged an exclusive interview with legendary rock group Glass Tiger at their headquarters in Newmarket, Ontario last week. While most music fans could sing the entire A-side of The Thin Red Line from memory, insiders at The Rock 'n Roll Hall of Fame tell ...Diet Soap that it is the group's third album, Simple Mission, that has the rockers on the short list for playing one of the 6 after parties planned for this year's inductees.

DS: Alan (Alan Frew, vocals), first of all, let me gush. Rescued (By the Arms of Love) has my vote for best power ballad - ever!!!

AF: Yeah, it's funny. My songs are like my children. Once they're out there in the world, you never know how they're going to touch other people's lives. Is that a metal hand?

DS: Oh... uh...

AF: You know [unbuttoning top button of his Hawaiian shirt revealing tufts of thick gray chest hair and gold chain], we had planned for our fourth album to be a concept album all about how technology would blend with biology in the future. The working title was actually Metal Heart. Then Cat Power did a song by the same title on Moon Pix so that pretty much killed the project. And now you hear what Bill Gates has to say on the subject and it really makes you think.

DS: What are the boys up to now?

AF: Well, we just reunited and our next project is really exciting. You know, there are only 4 full-service car washes in the Newmarket area. But none of them offer an underbody rust-proof power wash - that is, until now. That's all I can say until plans are more definite, but let's just say we're set to open our car wash next month.

DS: Any other plans - for the band, I mean?

AF: Well, it's too soon to announce anything, but we're considering a "Free Wax Wednesday" and a "Thirsty Thursday", you know, a free 32 ounce Mega Gulp with a fill-up and a car wash so check out the website and come on down.

DS: Michael (Michael Hanson, original drummer) left the band in 1988. How has that affected...

AF: SHUT IT!!! SHUT YOUR HOLE!!! JUST SHUT IT!!!

[Alan leaves in a huff, slamming the door behind him.]

Then nothingness... Then the gurgling of a coffee pot... Then... I awake. It was all a dream... or was it?

[Camera pulls back to reveal Olive lying in bed, an empty Mega Gulp in one hand and feathers from an Indian Chief's headdress in the other hand - the metal one.]

Like Mother, like daughter

2008-02-23T12:11:00.000-08:00

So, I learned something today. After researching Mommy's hysterectomy (no, she didn't get to keep the uterus leavings in a bell jar, I already asked), it seems that fate has brought us closer together. Mommy didn't have a complete hysterectomy. She had a partial hysterectomy. They took her uterus, sure, but they left the supracervical.

"So what? Who gives a shit?", you're probably asking. You're so mad, you're considering smearing feces all over the bathroom mirror of your local library where you're using free internet wireless. Put that poop down, hot head. The supracervical is the technical term used for the more familiar one - cervical stump!!! Mumsy has joined the Stump Club!!! Oh, Mother! Now you know what it's like to lose a part of yourself! Now you can understand me better. That is, once you get your robotic uterus implanted.

Fun facts about hysterectomies:

1) No celebrity has ever had one.
2) Mother's surgery was similar to the C-section I always wished she had chosen for me.
3) Mother's surgery was actually a laparoscopy that was "robot-assisted" I kid you not.
4) Technically, if Mother opted for gender reassignment surgery, she would be part-way there already.
5) Unlike the image above, Mumsy's gas-filled area was actually much larger.
6) Mother did not appreciate the following joke: "Look at it this way - since your womb has been disposed of, you can't experience 'empty nest' syndrome when Oliver leaves home."

I thought it would cheer her up, you know, like how if you have your tonsils removed, you can't get colds anymore...

Weird...scary weird...

2008-02-23T11:55:00.000-08:00

Monthly brunch with Mumsy. Delayed a week due to her "emergency" hysterectomy. Weird shit happened... Mommy had iced tea... no alcohol... no Bloody Mary followed by "a drop of Chardonnay" followed by "a splash more Chardonnay" followed by embarrassingly loud stage whispers about our fellow diners. Iced tea. With lemon.

Then it gets really fucked.

We had a normal mother-daughter brunch. Mother even made pleasant, funny conversation. I had commented that I wished my iLimb came witha variety of attachments, like "fork", that I could use when eating brunch to amuse myself while my tipsy mother hits on the wait staff. Mommy then said, "You need a Swiss Army iLimb." Then she took a pen out of her purse and proceeded to sketch this hypothetical prosthetic for like 10 minutes with running commentary. She added a toothpick, corkscrew, and a lighter, in addition to the requisite screwdriver, spanner, and nail clipper. Her design incorporated the spork "to lighten the load."

You know how once in a while you hear about the surgeon who operated on the wrong leg? Is it possible that Mommy was mistakenly given a lobotomy instead of having her uterus scraped out?

You read my mind, Bill Gates!

2008-02-23T05:21:00.000-08:00

In a surprise, and wholly unnecessary, proclamation, Bill Gates offered his prediction of the future of computer technology while answering questions on BBC's website recently. Gates said, "I'll be brave, in five years we'll have many tens of million of people sitting browsing their photos, browsing their music, organising their lives using [a] type of touch interface," he said. "That is, as long as their hands are their natural hands and not some type of prosthetic or robotic limb", he continued." "Those unfortunates will likely have to be provided with specially trained dogs to tap their screens for them as newer technologies will likely incorporate special fail-safe software to prevent 'smarter' computers and robotic technologies from using their own computers to gain the upper hand in their relentless, unseen war against human technologies, or 'people.'" Gates did offer hope for amputees, however, saying, "There may be a time in the distant, far-off future when amputees using prosthetics will be read as 'hybrids' or 'half-breeds' by computers and, therefore, given partial access to specific programs, such as iTunes and Excel. But, I wouldn't hold my breath."

Clean and sober

2008-02-22T11:11:00.000-08:00

I came home last night and there were two big boxes on my bed. The accompanying note from Mother revealed that she decided it was time to clean out my bedroom closet (between the hours of 11 pm when I left and 3:30 am when I returned). "Keep or donate." Mummy, which charitable organization do you think would most likely benefit from my high school biology labs and feather collection? I'll call Amvets first. "An assortment of feathers you found in your yard between the ages of 4 and 9 years old? We can have a truck there by Wednesday. The Desert Storm folks will love 'em! They use them in their crafting room."

Mother, just because the doctors vacuumed out your uterus, doesn't mean you have to vacuum my room.

Besides, your womb is responsible for numerous crimes against humanity. We should go to the Applebee's to celebrate its removal!

Look at it this way - now there's more room for Bernard.

Vagina Review!

2008-02-21T17:03:00.000-08:00

Let's face it - America loves vaginas. And they're always making headlines. Here is a brief summary of vaginas in the media from this past week. Enjoy!

1. Mother got a hysterectomy last Thursday, Valentine's Day. Now she'll never have the other daughter she secretly desires.

2. In other news, I have placed a bid on this Virgin Mary pretzel on eBay. I will dip it in mustard and consume it.

3. My vagina has been enjoying some free time lately and is planning a get-away to Antigua this Spring.

4. Bette Midler is slated to star in the new off-Broadway production of the 'The Vagina Dialogues.' Should be an interesting soundtrack.

5. My friend Cunty split her lip open after a night of heavy drinking after the Vampire Weekend concert last week.

Contesticles!

2008-02-15T15:32:00.000-08:00

Here's the contest! If I receive 5 unique comments on this post by Sunday, 2/17/08, I will resume my frenetic blogging pace.

Good luck! And check out Mario's package for free!

olive, where are you?

2008-02-14T16:19:00.000-08:00

where am i?

am i dead?
am i dreaming?
did i break my good hand?
did i break my bionic hand?

am i depressed?
am i distracted?

is it mother?
is it siobhan?
is is bernard?
is it the doorman?
is it cunty?
is it dum dum?

why did i break my "9th of every month" pledge?
what the fuck?
what's wrong with me?

have i been drinking?
does too much money and too much free time and too few hands mess with a person's mind?

happy valentine's day.

Monthly Newsletter

2008-01-08T10:35:00.000-08:00

Dear Fan(atic)s,

I do not feel loved. I have reduced my output to mere scraps in the face of my dwindling numbers, or "hits" as they say on the streets. New diatribes will now be issued on the 9th of each month and I will provide no additional commentary in the interim period of longing you will all surely feel.

Like Tony Blair's conversion to Catholicism, I have "awoken to a new dawn" and now "know my place in God's grand plan." Let's face reality - there are only 5 interesting things about me and my public is not interested anymore:

1) I have an iLimb for a hand.
2) I used to have a hook for a hand.
3) I am a trust fund baby.
4) My trust fund is funded by insurance money obtained following the death of my father in a warehouse fire that, incidentally, resulted in the amputation of my hand.
5) My mother is the kind of aging alcoholic who still owns leather pants.

I am obsessed with the following:

1) All things Mario Lopez.
2) Dolphins and their dangerous arrogance and sense of entitlement.
3) Celebrities and historical figures who have not lost any of their limbs.
4) Doormen.
5) A server at a local coffeehouse.

Perhaps if my intern hadn't quit, things would be different, but, alas and alack, you will have to wait another month...

Loving and beseeching,

Olive, The Voice of Reason

Let's go to the movies!

2007-12-09T11:37:00.000-08:00

Bernard, or as I call him, Bew-NAHD, feels sorry for me. Maybe because he and my Mom are alcoholics and it was his idea to make perfect Manhattans to keep them nice and loose during their Christmas movie marathon? He keeps bringing me food and stuff, like a harissa turkey sandwich from Greeno's Deli (it was fucking great - I will just give a quiet "Thanks" without making eye contact and without encouraging further discourse, as I find this is the best way to continue getting gifts).

By the way, here is the actual Christmas movie marathon list (I swear to Moroni) with commentary:

Christmas Shoes

Retarded movie starring Rob Lowe about a retarded boy who thinks his retarded mother who is dying of cancer needs new Christmas shoes in case she dies and meets Jesus. Oh my fucking God, do you believe this shit!!! Then some retarded good Samaritan buys the fucking shoes for the kid. Here's the twist though - the Mom dies in the end, not because of the cancer, but because she trips over the shoes and has a heart attack (this last part is just a guess)!

Other dumb-ass movies

I cannot do this anymore. Let's just say my Mother has already died inside.

More proof...

2007-12-08T09:00:00.000-08:00

...that Jesus hates me. On November 19th, I slipped on a Maraschino cherry in the kitchen and shattered my ankle. I have been horribly depressed. I haven't felt like sharing lately. Sorry to all of my faithful acolytes.

One free guess where the offending accoutrement came from. "Oops," right Mom?

Brother, you are history

2007-11-18T04:42:00.000-08:00

If my house is the Franco-Prussian War (or the War of 1870), then I am the French ambassador and Oliver is the Prussian king and pizza toppings are the Hohenzollern candidate for the Spanish throne and my favorite pint glass is Alsace-Lorraine and I want my fucking glass back !!!! And stop putting pepperoni on everything!!!! And stop stealing, I mean "borrowing", my history books about the Franco-Prussian War, or as the French call it, the War of 18 fucking 70!!!!

I don't know who Napolean III is - the pizza boy? Send your answer today!

Oh yeah, and Mother is Germany (she eggs us on, especially after a full day of drinking White Prussians).

Star light, star bright...

2007-11-17T10:02:00.000-08:00

Mum and "Bernard" took me out to a "2 star" restaurant to "cheer me up" last night. The waiter was a smug jerk-off who had this look on his face that said, "I'm just doing this to get through graduate school and you don't even register enough on my radar screen to warrant contempt." He did say, "Very good" whenever any of us asked for anything, including a new water glass that had the remnants of somebody's ultra-red lip gloss. Then when I ordered a cappuccino to go with dessert and awkward conversation, "Shawn" (yes, Shawn with a 'w' and with an 'sh' and with 'a' and 'n') said, "Is this a special occasion?" For those of you unacquainted with fine dining, this is the question smug waiters ask to feel superior because the subtext of this question is crystal clear: "You clearly don't belong here so you must be celebrating your correspondence course certificate." "Yes", I answered. "I have a metal hand now. Hooray!" He made a face and the service was much less chatty thereafter. What a dick head.

Siobhan, Siobhan

2007-11-12T18:40:00.000-08:00

I met Siobhan for coffee today. She didn't see me though.

Give me back my pint glass, dickhead!

2007-11-08T18:44:00.000-08:00

Oliver wore diapers at night until he was 8.

Oliver's secrets!

2007-11-07T16:27:00.000-08:00

My brother, Oliver, has been out of my blog (as some of my astute readers have noticed) because he's been a bit of an ass lately. Well, silence hasn't smoked him out (he "borrowed" my hairbrush this morning) so I've decided that every time he fucks me over, I will reveal one of his secrets that I know he doesn't want anyone to know. Here's the hairbrush secret:

Oliver was born in an elevator.

Shove on!

2007-11-06T16:12:00.000-08:00

Olive has a new friend. Her name is Siobhan and she is a "barrista" which I think is some kind of lawyer. I met her drinking coffee at the park. She had a ladybug on her shoulder so I pointed that out to her. She said, "Oh, thanks" and we struck up a conversation. She is lovely. "So, what's a lawyer like you doing drinking coffee in the middle of the day in a park?" "I could ask you the same question." "Yes, but my answer might make you cry." "I had my tear ducts surgically removed last year. F'ing HMO wouldn't reimburse me." "Tell me about it," I said, holding up my bionic hand. "Killer." "Who says 'killer' anymore?" "I do." "I like you." "I like you too."

A new leaf (falls)

2007-11-06T04:52:00.000-08:00

Sorry about that lapse of self-control in my last post. If you guys don't think a guy who sounds like he wants to make love to teak wood isn't worth singling out, I won't hold it against you. I've been in a very pissy mood lately, barely leaving my house, watching too much television, and I've gained like 5 pounds over the last two weeks. I think I am going out of my skull in Mumsy's house. Well, only 2 more PT appointments and I will be cleared to fly again and I can return to Whistler. I'll try to keep my emotions better in check. Don't be mad at me and stop "flaming" me (you know who you are).

a leaf falls...loneliness

2007-11-05T16:55:00.000-08:00

I feel like the one shoe that you sometimes find abandoned on the side of the carriageway while traversing the countryside in your lorry. that is if you're a gay British truck driver.

P.S. No one thought that guy who gave that fucked up description about teak was worth commenting on? What am I doing here if not opening your fucking eyes to see the shit world you live in? No one is going to comment on that piece of brilliance?

Contest!!!!

2007-10-31T18:50:00.000-07:00

Here we go, Fans of Me! Another funrageous contestico gigantico. I have been sipping Kahlua and creams for the past 2 and 1/2 hours pondering tonight's riddle. Winner of the contest earns my eternal gratitude and, of course, a ...Diet Soap butter knife and plastic novelty hook poorly autographed by yours truly. Here's the question: Why does God hate me?

I look forward to the responses, that is, if you don't hate me too.

Nobody cares about me

2007-10-31T15:16:00.000-07:00

It's true. And according to "Rog" I crave attention. He said I have a "personality disorder."

And I'm also pissed that no one reads this thing.

Ask Rog!

2007-10-27T06:34:00.000-07:00

So, here is an actual excerpt from my psych evaluation from Dr. Rog.

"...defensive posture during the interview, coupled with her unwillingness or, perhaps inability, to discuss the circumstances surrounding the original injury suggests the possibility that Ms. Duster may incur a re-traumatization should she be deemed fit to proceed with the procedure."

"Ms. Duster was questioned about the death of her father and her escape from the warehouse fire that ultimately resulted in the amputation of her [I'm not telling you which - O.D.] hand. Repeatedly, Ms. Duster responded in a sarcastic manner or attempted to derail the discussion by making tangential statements with the overt purpose of avoiding this subject."

"...making the results of projective testing highly suspect..."

"...will likely resist recommended outpatient psychotherapy to facilitate her post-operative adjustment..."

"...strongly encourage Ms. Duster's family to monitor her emotional functioning as patients with this type of presentation are considered to be at risk for becoming disintegrated as previous traumas that have not been dealt with are re-awakended...."

Do you think he has a big book of phrases that he flips to at random to write this bullshit?

Olive mingles with the people

2007-10-24T15:03:00.000-07:00

I just got back from this art exhibit (flea market) held every Wednesday at DeWitt Square. Holy shit! I guess shitty home made jewelry is in!

Just look at this broach I almost considered buying! Simply awesome, in the truest sense of the word.

Drinking and Flying

2007-10-23T16:44:00.000-07:00

Mother called from the heliport tonight.

"One more chance for you to come with me."

[No response]

"Olive, hon?"

["Hon" is one of the many signs that she has been drinking tonight. The others include 1) her humming to herself waiting for me to pick up after I've already said, "Hello?; 2) her insisting that the chauffer call her Babs (not her name and, to my knowledge, has never been a nickname of hers); and 3) she asked me about those fucking leather pants again before she hung up.]

"Yeah, Mom, I said no already. Besides, Ass-ram said I can't fly yet, otherwise I'd be in my own home by now."

"Sweedie, this is your home."

[A private car parked on the tarmac of a heliport? Or the 8000 sq. ft. apartment that feels like a studio apartment when Mommy is home (it's worse when her gentleman-friend "Bernard" is visiting).]

"Have a good flight."

"You too."

[Yet another sign.]

Dear Mr. Jesus...

2007-10-22T16:27:00.000-07:00

...Diet Soap offers another wildly popular contest!

Uh-member that girl who sang that horrible horrible song, "Dear Mr. Jesus" that many of us have struggled unsuccessfully to excise from our hippocampus? Whoever answers the most questions correctly wins the goods:

1) What was her name?
2) How old is she now?
3) How many felonies has she committed?
4) How many bullet wounds does she have?
5) Does she shave her underarms?
6) What was her major and minor at Yale, if she attended that school?
7) What is her favourite colour (of human skin)?
8) Who is her fav Saved by the Bell thespian?
9) How much does her tumour weigh (if she has one - bonus for location of tumour)?

and

10) What does her prison tattoo say (not the Jesus one)?

Good luck!

Mmmm....tasty!

2007-10-21T06:36:00.001-07:00

I am sure I could make millions if I could convince Pez Candy, Inc. to manufacture a new kind of Pez - Mario Lo-Pez.

I have this friend named Jorges whom I met in Antigua like 5 or 6 years ago during the most recent deposition. I told him this idea and he said, "So, would you want it designed so the Pez came out of his mouth so you could fantasize that the candy was his tongue?"

I said, "So I could fantasize about ripping his re-generating tongue out with my teeth?"

"Well you could have his whole head tip back and the candy would come out of his neck."

"Like I'm licking his tracheotomy site?"

"What is wrong with you?"

"Can we have him drop his pants and have the candy come out of his jeans?"

"You're gonna eat his candy shite?"

I swear to God.

Trick or Teak

2007-10-20T05:52:00.000-07:00

Listen to what this douche bag has to say about teak wood:

Teak wood is the mellow heavy duty wood without which every home should not be made, at least in part. Home is where the heart is, and risking that home by building it with anything less than teak lumber is the same as threatening the heart with inevitable destruction.

I guess you can smoke this shit too.

Dum-Dum is still dumb

2007-10-19T19:57:00.000-07:00

So lots of people have been trying to be supportive of my new hand, making jokes, cutting off and then re-sewing hands on teddy bears, etc. etc. But leave it to Dum-Dum to say the fucking dummest thing - "So, two questions: how many gigabytes does that thing have and can it play video?" Clever.

Paging Dr. Ass-Ram

2007-10-19T06:19:00.000-07:00

"Hey, Olive. Who the fuck is this? Dr. Ashram calling. I swear I had to consciously remind myself not to call him Ass-ram. How's my favorite patient? Who is this guy?"

"Fine."

"How's PT going? I understand there was a problem with Dr. Sanabel? Creepy PT who wanted me to change into a gown. I refused."

"He wanted me to change into a gown. I refused. I thought it was unnecessary. You did the procedure by asking me to roll up my sleeve. I thought the guy was creepy. Dr. Chang non-creepy female PT is working out fine. Only 4 more to go, she says."

"Any swelling, discomfort, discolouration, or seepage? Have you been looking at my vagina?"

"No, it's fine."

"Great. I'll want to see you once more after PT is finished, but call beforehand if you have any problems. 'Kay?"

Great. Another normal conversation with a former adversary. Do I need to re-think his secret nickname too? Nah.

Oh, also, I got to see my psychological evaluation report... I'll hit the high points next post.

Mmmm....coffee!

2007-10-18T18:45:00.001-07:00

Cunty stopped by with a fresh brew for me this morning. Also, she gave me a teddy bear with it's arm in a sling (I didn't break my fucking arm, you dumb ass). I was like, what the fuck. Then, I burst into tears (I know, I've been doing that a lot lately, what do you want from me?!) when I realized she had cut off the hand and re-attached it in a painfully obvious way (with green thread) to celebrate (or "sale-a-brate", her fav joke) my iLimb. Way to go, Cunty. Now I have to rethink your secret nickname.

psst...

2007-10-14T08:06:00.000-07:00

sorry i haven't posted in a while, everyone. it's just that, uh, i kinda just got the iLimb attached... it's fucked up... let me catch my breath and i'll get back to blogging. i need a little time to adjust to this thing. it's fucked up and i've been alternating between laughing and crying for the past week... don't tell anyone.

Lessons from Freud

2007-10-05T16:59:00.000-07:00

Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. But sometimes a cigar is a dolphin mocking you. At least that's what you should tell the cops when you get accused of slapping a cigar out of the mayor's mouth at the opening of a new community center. (Dolphins look kinda phallic, right?)

Ask Olive!

2007-10-04T16:51:00.000-07:00

Former dancing great, Gail Horning, writes:

Dear Olive,

There's this guy I like who's really cute and I think he likes me. There's one thing though - he hates amputees. What should I do?

Love,

Gail Horning, Former Dancing Great
_______________

Dear Gail,

We all hate amputees. I say go for it.

Yours,

Olive

Ask Olive!

2007-10-03T16:29:00.000-07:00

Diane Scheggler of Wichita, NY writes:

Dear Olive,

Can you settle a bet between myself and former dancing great, Gail Horning? She thinks it's impossible, but can one be racist against one's own race?

Love and Carrots,

Diane Scheggler of Wichita, NY

Dear Diane,

It depends. Are you White?

Love and Diapers,

Olive

Knock out!

2007-10-03T09:36:00.001-07:00

Evander Holyfield is pictured here with his two children, George and George.

Hooray!

2007-10-02T15:22:00.000-07:00

After a furious weekend of blogging for ...Diet Soap and my other freelance writing gigs, I am proud to announce that my increase in writing has resulted, for the first time in my one-handed life, in a decrease in readers! As Mother often says, "Why buy the cow when you can be lactose indifferent for free." Okay, she said that once and she had been drinking White Russians for the better part of the afternoon.

Olive's Garden

2007-09-29T19:29:00.000-07:00

It's the time of the year when our fearless leader, Olive Duster, reveals her favourites from the fiscal year. Signed, Could-Be-You-Intern-Apps-Due-Nov.-1st.

Favourite age for a homeless man: 56 years old.

Favourite injury: Missing hand.

Favourite obscure health issue: Lactose indifference.

Favourite snack: Little Chocolate Davenports

Favourite greeting: "Hey, hooker." (courtesy of my brother).

Favourite hobby: Putting Mario Lopez's head on the body of a dolphin.

Favourite fantasy: A fleet of Mario Lopez's following my schooner as I cruise the ocean near San Onofre State Beach plotting my next rape of wild beauty with a super 6 lane highway.

Favourite bumper sticker: "My other car is a prosthetic hook."

Thanks for noticing!

2007-09-29T07:25:00.000-07:00

I walked into a Starbucks this morning and the "barrista" said to me, I swear to Jehova, "Hey there, sweet face. Welcome to Sweet Saturday at Starbucks. What can I do you for?"

Sweet face?

Do you for?

I replied, "I'll take a small water and 10 copies of the Gloria Estefan compilation." Then I started picking my teeth with my hook.

Piss on it!

2007-09-28T19:53:00.000-07:00

Building a six-lane toll road through San Onofre State Beach near San Clemente outside of Los Angeles may seem like a good idea, but it's as likely to happen as this woman is to get laid.

Contest!!!!

2007-09-27T17:15:00.000-07:00

We've had such an overwhelming response to our recent "dreams are best left to" segment that ...Diet Soap is issuing yet another fun and tedious challenge! Tell us how you would complete Mother's infamous aphorism and you could win...... a ...Diet Soap butter knife AND a plastic novelty hook poorly autographed by the even more infamous Olive Duster! Enter today and "feel the shame!"

Correction

2007-09-27T14:46:00.000-07:00

Mother was outraged that I misquoted her on the subject of dreams. Dreams are not best left to "prostitutes and politicians" but rather for "large children and small men."

I like my variation better.

Stump grinding

2007-09-27T04:59:00.000-07:00

Apparently, I was so upset last night that Mother had to wake me up after I cried out in my sleep.

My stump was sore after I slept on it all night.

Maybe Mother was right. Maybe dreams are "best left to prostitutes and politicians."

I'm thinking of heading back to Whistler.

I'm thinking about quitting this blog.

You can call me Rog...

2007-09-26T16:46:00.000-07:00

Uh, yeah, the whole thing was kinda fucked up...

Not sure I have it in me to go into all the gory details, but I'll throw you all a bone.

Rog: Have you even seen or heard anything that you know wasn't really there?

Me: Does my father burning in front of my eyes every night as I fall asleep count?

Rog: Yes. Yes it does [scribbles furiously on his yellow legal pad].

Oh, I'm definitely gonna have to go down Mexico way to get this fucking robotic hand attached.

Well, I have to go cry some more now.

Looking for Mr. Goodman

2007-09-25T11:13:00.000-07:00

Seeing my shrink tomorrow. I am totally obsessing about what I should wear. Does it really matter? Of course it does. Dr. Dreamy is a psychologist. He'll probably notice every single detail, right down to my missing hand. I bet you he insists that I discuss "the accident" with him.

Question for my readers: Should I or shouldn't I tell him. I've only discussed it with the police detective at the time and I don't even really remember that interview.

Question #2 for my readers: Why does it matter how I lost my hand? I just want a new prosthetic; is this whole consultation even relevant? Is this a mental capacity issue? Does Dr. Ass-Ram think I'm incompetent?

Question #3 for my readers: What the fuck?

Question #4 for my readers: I'm thinking of wearing an old bridesmaid dress that's sea foam green with a big bow in back along with my Israeli combat boots. Too much?

Peas and Carrots.

Real fucking funny

2007-09-23T04:37:00.001-07:00

How much for a hand? I've got one in a bell jar I'm not using anymore.

What could possibly go wrong?

2007-09-22T20:50:00.001-07:00

Oh, sure, dolphins are perfectly harmless. I don't know what I was thinking. You'll have to forgive me for my temporary insanity.

My good friend and famous dancer, Gail Horning, recently told me that she thinks maybe I see danger where there is none on account of the horrible "accident" that claimed my hand and my father's life (even though only charred remains and a large insurance settlement were all we were left with in the aftermath).

Gail, the dolphins are real and they're smarter than you think.

Parallel Universe

2007-09-22T08:29:00.001-07:00

Readers of ...Diet Soap have been following Zsa Zsa Gabor's legal troubles with the tenacity of an army of meat ants in the presence of a Leaf Hopper. It is with great sadness, then, that I have the duty to inform my readers that Zsa Zsa and her 9th husband, Frederic "Freddy V." Von Anhalt, voluntarily dismissed their lawsuit against Zsa Zsa's daughter, Francesca Hilton, late last week. Readers of ...Diet Soap first became intrigued by the case when they noticed eerie similarities between the rocky financial relationship of Gabor and Hilton and the rocky house cleaning relationship between Mother and myself. Mother, too, dropped her informal complaints against yours truly when she came to the realization that I have a hook for one of my hands and I simply can't lift the 200-fucking-pound ancient Hoover UP THE FUCKING STAIRS BY MYSELF!

Ask Olive!

2007-09-21T16:56:00.001-07:00

I get thousands and thousands of letters and e-mails from admirers and well-wishers every week and occasionally I take some time to respond to a select few.

On this day (give or take a week) in history...

2007-09-20T15:57:00.000-07:00

Seriously, where the hell is Elian? I haven't heard dick about this kid in like 6 years. About 3 years ago, I heard he was mixing some demos with Timberland and now nothing!

Fun Facts!

2007-09-19T06:49:00.000-07:00

Most of us know that Mario Lopez stole the hearts of millions of pre-teens around the world when he burst on the scenes as "Slater" in television's Saved by the Bell in 1989. But did you also know that the dreamy thespian has never incurred a serious hand injury? Photos don't lie.

A real intellexual!

2007-09-18T07:41:00.001-07:00

Last night, I called the psychologist's office to set up my evaluation expecting to speak to a secretary or assistant. So I was surprised when I got the good doctor, himself, on the line. Dr. Roger Goodman, with a smoky, sultry voice assured me I could call him, "Rog." "When can we get you in here?" "Uh, right now please?" "Ha! I like eager customers," he said. "Ah, well. I did have a cancellation for next Wednesday at 9 am. How does that sound?" "That will give me plenty of time to get my legs waxed. I'll take it." "Okay, sounds good. Do you need directions?" "No, I've been getting my legs waxed at the same place since I was 20." "I'll look forward to our meeting." Me too, Rog. Me too! Do you think psychologists can date their patients? Do they have any ethical constraints on the matter? Do you think I'll have to lie on a couch? Will I have to look at ink blots or do free association?

"Mother."
"Leather pants."

"Father."
"Warehouse fire."

"Love."
"Carrom."

"Hate."
"Dolphins."

"Family."
"Prosthesis."

"Friends."
"Cunty and Dum Dum."

"Fear."
"Dolphins."

"Hope."
"No ethical constraints."

"iLimb."
"Senator and Mrs. Mario Lopez."

Paging Dr. Ass-Ram

2007-09-16T03:56:00.000-07:00

So get this. I didn't even want to see Dr. Ashram. I only went because a) Mother dropped $60K on this iLimb, b) the iLimb appears to be kick-ass, and 3) I thought he might know something about my father's demise. Well, before he'll go any further with my consultation, he is making me see a fucking psychologist. "It's a normal step in the process," according to my quack. Please, God, let me hear the psychologist say, "Tell me about your mother." I bet you I can make him cry.

Man, I'm hungry...

2007-09-15T12:49:00.000-07:00

Being with Mother in the City has it's advantages, but I can't find my favourite snack anywhere! I am totally craving Assail's Eye Power Sugarless Blueberry Tablets. Yum! God, I could kill for some of this shit right now! There's nothing more satisfying after a night of binge drinking than artificial blueberry flavour in tablet form. Trust me on this one.

Close your eyes, Billy.

2007-09-15T07:04:00.000-07:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain speaking. We are approaching 35,000 feet in the air and we're midway through our journey today. If you look to your left, you should be able to see the city of Whistler just on the horizon. If you look to your right - HELLO! Well, hi there. I'm the Captain. What's your name? Kyla, hmmm, that's a nice name. No, I'm not staring at your breasts. That's crazy! I was just, uh, thinking that you should, uh, wear a name tag so people can - what? No, it's on autopilot. Oh, okay. Talk to you later? Hey, maybe you could, if you wanted, put this blanket on so - it's just kinda distracting and... Whatever, it's cool. We're cool, right? I HEARD YOU! I SAID I'LL BE THERE IN A SECOND! Jesus, do you believe that? Anyway, I gotta get back to work, but, hey, if you write your number on this napkin, maybe we can... No, that's just turbulence. Alright, but I'll keep my eyes open for you after the flight, 'kay? Kewl.

Tips for the disabled

2007-09-14T14:08:00.001-07:00

Shown above, last year's intern poses for ...Diet Soap's public service brochure demonstrating one-handed dressing techniques. She did a really shitty job.

The Heat Is On!

2007-09-13T15:24:00.001-07:00

Lot's of intern applicants submit their essays over the internet. One special applicant showed up at our offices along with this special treat - Patrick (of SpongeBob fame) shaped cupcakes. The rest of you have your work cut out for you. Of course, I have to assume they are poisonous as I have many enemies (e.g., dolphins). So after the applicant left, I gave them to the creepy doorman of Mother's building (with whom I made out a while ago and I have since been avoiding like the plague that is likely living in his "beard"). Well done, Sophie. You truly have a leg up on the competition. Can't wait to read your essay, "Off Da Hook: Why I Need This Unpaid Internship with a Saucy Amputee."

You know, as I read this, who better to apply for this unpaid position than Homeless Businessman. I will contact him immediately.

Intern Search!

2007-09-12T16:13:00.000-07:00

It's that time of year again. Time for ...Diet Soap to file a restraining order against last year's intern and time to start searching for this year's lucky applicant. We will be accepting applications starting Sept. 12 until Nov. 1, 2007. This year's lucky intern will experience the behind-the-scenes action of a real live blog. Learn how to make sarcastic comments, search and post funny photos, and get to work side-by-side with a real live amputee! Our interns will be groomed by one of the best and brightest in the field of blogging and will learn the ins and outs of getting coffee, cleaning hooks, distracting Mother while the publisher sneaks in, and pre-reading the paper and clipping out any offensive references to dolphins before said references sully the eyes and mind of the publisher. Plus, you will get to rub shoulders with many ...Diet Soap celebs when you screen phone calls from...CUNTY....DUM DUM....DR. ASHRAM....and the creepy guy known only as....MY MOM'S DOORMAN, and many, many more! If interested in this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, submit your essay on why you want to work for us! If you are missing any body parts or if any body parts have become detached from your person, please submit all the gory details and pics to the comment section of this post. And don't fuck up your only chance to impress me like this guy did.

Mystery

2007-09-11T19:14:00.000-07:00

So I came home this morning and found this package on my doorstep addressed to my father - no return address or anything. Regular readers know that Daddy died in a work-related accident. So, I decided to open it. And look at this thing. What the hell? I hid it from Mother.

Oh, I forgot to mention that my appointment with Dr. Ashram got postponed by a week... Maybe I should try this bad boy on.

What's the crime?

2007-09-11T16:53:00.000-07:00

Citizens of Columbus, Ohio are puzzled. Since when was robbing a church and then assaulting one's attorney a crime?

I thought I hated babies...

2007-09-10T18:37:00.000-07:00

I had a dream last night that I gave birth. When the doctor handed him to me, he spoke with the voice of Henry Kissinger. He said, "You will fail as a mother." I think he made some derogatory comments about my one good hand too. I thought I hated babies.

So what does this phantom baby want with me?

Do these pants make me look guilty?

2007-09-07T19:58:00.001-07:00

I've been feeling really guilty about the following five things. I need your help to determine if I should feel bad about these things or if I am beating myself up over nothing.

1. My new friend keeps referring to my two oldest friends as "Cunty" and "Dum-Dum" on her blog. I have neither confronted my new friend about this nor told my old friends about this (because I kinda think it's funny).

2. I made out with the doorman of my Mommy's building last night after drinking with Cunty and Dum-Dum.

3. I borrowed Mother's leather pants to go out last night (she has never worn them but, for some reason, she won't let me borrow them). I spilled pickled egg juice on them but simply returned them to her closet without telling her (I'm telling you, she kinda smells like pickled eggs anyway and so she'll probably never notice).

4. I told the doorman I lost my hand in a dolphin training mishap (a lie).

5. Oliver's bitchy girlfriend called last night looking for him and I said he was with "Carol" at "the party" and, "Oh, he said you knew her and he was meeting you at the party." And, "He told me you guys broke up." And, "God, what an asshole! How could he do this to you?" And, "You should just show up at the party and get it over with." And I gave her a fakey address.

On this day in history...

2007-09-07T16:59:00.001-07:00

Hey, whatever happened to Elian?

Culture Report

2007-09-06T15:23:00.000-07:00

In Taiwan, seafood is very popular.